Hold On To What You Know
by BregoArodShadowfax
Summary: Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt. Eventual Blaine/Kurt
1. Prologue

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** Prologue/?  
**Word Count:** 784  
**Spoilers:** Up to 4x04  
**Summary: **If you'd have asked Blaine Anderson at the beginning of his senior year of high school what he'd envisioned his life to be like four years from then, he would have had a very clear answer for you. Now, four years later, his life is nothing like he'd planned. But maybe, even after all that time, things could change.

**Hold On To What You Know**

**Prologue**

_What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground?_

_Can you pick up the pieces all around?_

_And if the world should fall apart, hold on to what you know_

_Take your chances, turn around, and go._

If you'd have asked Blaine Anderson at the beginning of his senior year what he'd envisioned his life to be like four years from then, he would have had a very clear answer for you: making his way on Broadway as a graduate of NYADA, engaged (possibly married) to his high school sweetheart, and happier than he'd ever been in his entire life.

Blaine Anderson did not graduate NYADA. Blaine Anderson was not with his high school sweetheart any longer.

Blaine Anderson was, at the ripe old age of twenty-two, wondering why exactly he had felt so Goddamn lonely he'd hooked up with that...that guy on Facebook and effectively ruined his life.

Blaine Anderson was scrubbing tables at the bar he worked at, listening with one ear to his boss talk about the band coming in for their sound check that night in order to play the next. Up-and-coming, as they all were. Good old boys from the mid-west, as most of them were. He nodded vaguely, scrubbing harder at a particularly stubborn stain, and tried to remember if his assignment was due that Friday or the Friday after.

Graduate school was...well, certainly not easy, but being a music major kept him away from Broadway for the most part and he did enjoy it, it was still something he was passionate about and maybe one day he'd be discovered singing in an old bar such as this one, the same way everybody got discovered these days.

He'd ended up going to NYU; he knew that ex-boyfriend had gotten into NYADA his second time around and he couldn't go there, couldn't chance it, and although he didn't know where Kurt Hummel was now, he wasn't going to risk crossing paths with him (especially when he'd seen Rachel Berry's name around in the papers a few times, so he knew Kurt still had to be close).

He'd never fallen out of love with Kurt. He knew that from the bottom of his heart, which was why he tried to think about him as little as possible. He didn't blame Kurt for not forgiving him, of course not, but even though he'd had a lot of sex in the four years between then and now...a _lot _of sex...none of it meant anything. The orgasm high only lasted a few scant moments before he was left empty and cold, and he'd never made a connection the way he had that first day on the staircase at Dalton.

"So one of the boys...the drummer...he's coming in early to talk to you since you'll be manning the bar that night and you know how all the sound stuff works," his manager continued and Blaine listened a little more carefully.

"What do they need?"

"Not much, they're just a three-piece band. I guess they've got a keyboardist who comes along sometimes but he won't be here tomorrow so you don't need to worry about that," Mitch replied. He was a good manager, all things considered; about ten years older than Blaine himself, but he paid Blaine well and when he'd discovered that the boy had talent that went beyond just mixing drinks he let him take part in setting up shows.

It wasn't Broadway, but it was better than nothing, and when it was really dead he'd get up and play sometimes just to keep himself in form.

"Sounds good," Blaine nodded. "When's the drummer getting here?"

"Few minutes," Mitch clapped him on the shoulder and headed toward the kitchen at the back. "Drop what you're doing and walk through the set-up with him, and then the whole band will be back tonight to check sound after the bar's shut down," he called back and Blaine raised a hand in response, going back to scrubbing, tongue jutting out of the corner of his mouth.

Nights when live bands played, especially rock bands, were always loud. But he could usually get lost in the music and the routine of his drink mixing that way, slip a little for himself and find a hot guy to take home and fuck, and it _had _been a while since he'd gotten laid so he may as well take advantage of it, he thought as he straightened up and set the rag down.

That stain was as good as it was going to get.

He heard the door open and turned toward it with a smile on his face, but it quickly slid off when the band's drummer entered, because it was somebody that Blaine had never thought...and maybe never hoped...he'd see again in his _life. _

He was only thankful he hadn't been holding a glass.

Because it would have been in pieces on the floor.

**Notes:**

**1. **So, inspiration for my new fic came sooner than expected! The title and the lyrics at the beginning are taken from 'Chapter One' by Lifehouse.

**2. **I'm sure you all know who the drummer is ;) So yes, this is a future!fic, a sort of, 'what if Blaine and Kurt had never reconciled after 4x04 and Blaine had fallen off the radar after high school?' Kurt will have another boyfriend for a while, but this will end up Blaine/Kurt, of course.

**3. **Let me know what you think and if you're interested in more!


	2. Chapter 1

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 1/?  
**Word Count:** 2285  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x04  
**Summary: **If you'd have asked Blaine Anderson at the beginning of his senior year of high school what he'd envisioned his life to be like four years from then, he would have had a very clear answer for you. Now, four years later, his life is nothing like he'd planned. But maybe, even after all that time, things could change.

**Hold On To What You Know**

**Chapter One**

_Maybe a thief stole your heart,_

_Or maybe we just drifted apart._

_Back then this thing was running on momentum, love, and trust_

_That paradise is buried in the dust._

"Holy shit! Blaine fucking Anderson!" was the only warning Blaine got before he was lifted off his feet into the air, and he clutched at the man's shoulders and yelped as he spun them around a couple of times before setting him down. "Hey, dude!"

"Hey...Finn," Blaine looked away, because looking at Finn Hudson was about as painful as looking at his ex-boyfriend, but he finally forced his eyes to take in the other man and he looked...good. Really good. "You look well."

"Well, not quite a starving artist, but we haven't made it big yet. Obviously," Finn grinned, and Blaine was a little relieved to see there were apparently no hard feelings anymore. He and Finn had always gotten along, even after what had happened with Kurt, but he knew Finn's loyalty lay with his stepbrother and not with him.

"So...your band..."

"Oh, dude, yeah. Me, Puck 'n Sam. Puck's pool cleaning business never went anywhere and he called me up one day and said that he'd rather play music anyway, so Sam learned bass guitar and...yeah. Here we are!" he spun around, nearly knocking about ten glasses over, and Blaine reached to catch them. "Sorry. Still a klutz," he laughed.

Blaine tried to hide his smile, but it was really good to see Finn again. He'd closed himself off ever since high school, didn't have many friends, lived alone, and Finn Hudson was a veritable whirlwind of energy when he wanted to be and apparently he wanted to be today. "It's fine. So, should we go through everything? We can set up on the stage and I'll..." he stopped, noticing that Finn's eyes were narrowed and he was looking at him curiously, and shrugged. "Is that..."

"Blaine. Dude. I haven't seen you in four years," he said slowly, moving forward. "Don't you just want to...sit down and talk?"

Yes, Blaine's mind screamed, but he knew if he did he'd fall apart completely. Still... "We should...how about I show you everything and then we can...grab a drink?"

"Yeah. Awesome," Finn clapped him on the shoulder before pulling him in for another hug, and Blaine tried not to cry as he willingly went into the embrace.

There'd be enough tears later, he was sure of it.

000

The setup went quickly, Finn knowing pretty much where he'd need everything and Blaine having done it enough that it was easy to get out all the proper cables and wiring, leaving it so that all they'd have to do for the sound check was plug in their instruments and amps.

Finn invited him back to his place for a drink (turned out he lived right around the corner), and Blaine accepted without thinking because he wasn't needed at the bar until later and it was only after he'd crossed the front threshold of the rather spacious condo that it hit him: Kurt lived here, too. He had to, because it was too clean for Finn, and there was a distinct tang in the air that was all too reminiscent of Kurt's favourite Marc Jacobs cologne. It gave him pause for the briefest of seconds before he squared his shoulders and entered the space, sitting at the table at Finn's insistence as he poured them glasses of sparkling water ("I know, right? But he loves it," he'd grinned before his face had fallen. "Oh, shit, you didn't know we lived together..."), still looking wary as he set them down but Blaine shook his head.

"It's okay. I'm not ready to see him right now...and I doubt he'd want to see me without any warning...but it's fine that you live together. How did that come about? Last I heard he was living with Rachel and going to NYADA," he asked vaguely, running his finger around the rim of his glass as Finn sighed and sat back in his seat.

"Where to start, dude? I guess...okay, so after your graduation Puck came back to town for good. He didn't like living in LA and he knew he didn't want to clean pools for the next sixty years, so he suggested starting a band. Sam came in with us and that summer we moved up to New York, in a place really close to where Kurt and Rachel lived. We got a few gigs at the local bar and through the years we've just kinda moved up. After Kurt graduated from NYADA he tried getting some Broadway stuff, but...like he'd always said, there's no place for him there as a leading man so he called his old boss at Vogue who gave him kinda like a junior designing job, and that's what he's doing now and he loves it," he smiled and looked away. "So once he got that job and I was making more money, I decided to move in with him just 'cuz we were used to it from back home," he stopped, taking a nervous sip of his drink, and Blaine knew that he wasn't saying something and he wondered if he could prod.

"Is there...something else? Does Rachel still live in Bushwick? What happened to you guys?" he tried to keep his tone light because the last he'd heard they were starting something again, but Finn twisted his mouth in a wry half-smile and his eyes were dark and sad.

"Nah, she...we tried, for a little bit, but she and Brody started dating like seriously and...they're engaged. So she lives with him," he laughed bitterly. "I always knew she was too bright for me."

"Hey, no," Blaine reached to touch Finn's hand without thinking, unable to pull away even though he wasn't sure if he was allowed to do that. Finn gave him a tiny smile, obviously accepting of it, and Blaine squeezed his hand, the entire exchange sending a thrill through his body. It had been so long since he'd touched somebody just for pure comfort, and it was stunning to him how much he'd missed it. "Finn, trust me. If it's not her, it's because there's somebody even more amazing out there."

"Sure," Finn laughed wryly, shaking his head before downing his water. "But right, we're not talking about me. Anything else you want to know?"

" Kurt," Blaine said immediately, and Finn heaved a heavy sigh like he'd known this was coming at some point. "Is he...how's he doing? With..." Blaine stopped, embarrassed, and stared down at the tabletop. He wanted to ask if Kurt had a boyfriend, if Kurt was involved, if there was a chance that Kurt could let him back in if he groveled hard enough, but how pathetic would that make him look?

"I'm..." Finn paused. "I need another drink, but I don't wanna make you wait, so...I'm gonna rip the band aid off as fast as I can," he gulped and Blaine felt a sinking in his stomach, because... "he's engaged, too" Finn said slowly, and Blaine had to resist the urge to clutch at his chest because it literally felt like a spear of ice straight through his heart.

"He...good. Good, he..." Blaine paused, mouth dropping open because he couldn't even lie about this, and Finn squeezed his hand a little harder.

"Dude. I know. I...his name's Carter, he's a year younger than Kurt and he's staying in the dorms at NYADA which is why Kurt's not living with him and why he's not living here, 'cuz it's too far away from the school, but...I don't like him," Finn looked shocked that those words had come out of his mouth and Blaine cocked his head to the side, waiting.

"Why not? He's...he's not..." Blaine stammered and Finn shook his head, Blaine instantly feeling a measure of relief

"No, he's not...abusive or anything, dude, he's just...and don't take this the wrong way, but he's not you. He doesn't treat Kurt like he's his world and Kurt...he doesn't deserve any less than that, y'know?" Finn looked wistful for a moment, staring somewhere past Blaine. "I always thought...if I was gay, if I...had been able to like return his feelings, I'd treat him so good, and you...you treated him like that, Blaine. This guy...it's like he doesn't even realize what an amazing person Kurt is because he's always staring at his ass," Finn wrinkled his nose, looking uncomfortable, and Blaine was torn between laughing and being horribly angry because Kurt was gorgeous, yes, but he was so much more than that: driven and fiercely intelligent and the wittiest man Blaine had ever met, and he deserved somebody that saw him for all of that _and _loved every inch of his body. "So yeah. That's why I've got issues with him. He treats Kurt like he's a prize he's won, not like he's...lucky to be with him."

"God," Blaine sat back, still holding Finn's hand, and shook his head angrily. "He deserves so much more than that, Finn."

"You don't have to tell me. I mean, I promised to be his best man and everything, but I've kinda been thinking about ways to stop the whole thing. I'm not letting Kurt get into that, because who knows how it'll turn out, y'know?" he looked down at the table again, finally letting Blaine's fingers slip from his grasp.

"So what can you do? Have you told him?" Blaine questioned and Finn shrugged one shoulder awkwardly, like he thought Blaine should already know the answer to that. "Of course you have. But he's so stubborn he won't admit that maybe it's not as great as he's imagining it to be." he guessed, not phrasing it as a question because he knew, even after all this time, that he was right.

"Bingo, dude," Finn gave him a tiny smile. "So maybe I'm not being totally unselfish when I say this but...I really hope he gives you another chance. I'd much rather have you for a brother-in-law and Burt still talks about you, y'know? He always liked you a lot, and he hates Carter more than I do," Finn said, utterly truthful, and Blaine sighed and knew that Finn was only confirming what he himself had wanted for a long time.

He wanted to be with Kurt. Finn wanted him to be with Kurt. Kurt's dad wanted him to be with Kurt.

Now it was just a matter of making everything up to Kurt, and convincing Kurt to give him a second chance that he really didn't deserve.

"He'll be there tonight," Finn seemed to know what was on his mind and Blaine's head snapped up, suddenly feeling a bit of apprehension. He wasn't sure if he was ready yet, if Kurt would respond well, if... "Dude, calm down! Just...trust me on this. He misses you, too," Finn smiled at him and Blaine tentatively smiled back, because he'd guessed that, at least a little. "He plays keyboards for us sometimes but he's got something big at work coming up so he bowed out of this concert, but he's off tonight so he's gonna watch the set-up and everything. Alone," Finn raised one eyebrow and Blaine snorted, but it was good to know he wouldn't have to deal with an undesirable fiancé right away.

"Okay. I'll...I'll make it work," Blaine gulped, but Finn's eyes told him that he believed Blaine could do it.

Blaine wasn't sure how, but he knew that he had to. Somehow.

000

Things at the bar weren't as awkward as he'd feared. He and Puck had never been all that close, after all, but the other man grunted and clapped him on the back before going to tune his guitar. Sam had let out a yelp and practically lifted him off the ground, nuzzling into his neck and murmuring, "I missed you so much, dude, I was so worried..." and he'd always been the one Blaine had felt the most guilty about pulling away from.

Sam had been there for him in senior year, in a way nobody else had, willing to listen and try to understand and he'd brought Blaine back from a pretty dark place so Blaine vowed to himself that he wouldn't lose touch with Sam again, no matter what else happened tonight.

He could use the other man in his life again.

"I know," he replied softly, getting squished into another warm hug. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't worry," Sam pulled back and grinned. "We've all got our demons. But we're totally getting a drink after we're done our sound check and stuff, you in?"

"I work here, so I'll be around," Blaine laughed, letting Sam go and do his thing while he sat at a nearby table and watched them. It took him back to junior year of high school, in a way, seeing them all jam out again, and they'd all gotten better in the few years between then and now and Blaine had a feeling that Kurt had been writing some of their material, since there were some clever turns of phrase that he was pretty sure none of them could come up with themselves.

They'd gotten through about half their set, Blaine tweaking things here and there as he judged the acoustics of the room, when the door opened and for the second time that day he froze, seeing a figure step through.

He got a glimpse of a long, form-fitting coat, jeans that were too skinny to be legal, boots that hugged his legs like they were made for him, and when he finally let himself look at Kurt's face he thought that time had only made him more beautiful.

He croaked something, not even audible over the crash of instruments, but somehow Kurt turned to him and met his eyes, his own widening.

"Blaine?"

**Notes:**

**1.** Yes, Blaine and Kurt still don't talk directly, but I needed to get the backstory out there (and you all knew Finn was the drummer, right? ;) ) I'll probably put some song lyrics at the start of every chapter to kind of relate to it, the one used here is "The Way It Was" by The Killers.

**2. **I've re-vamped my tumblrs again and now I only have one, and it's at monferovercriss, so come check it out if you want to :)

**3. **That's about it! Please tell me if this is still interesting, and next chapter we'll finally get the boys interacting!


	3. Chapter 2

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 2/?  
**Word Count:** 2044  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **If you'd have asked Blaine Anderson at the beginning of his senior year of high school what he'd envisioned his life to be like four years from then, he would have had a very clear answer for you. Now, four years later, his life is nothing like he'd planned. But maybe, even after all that time, things could change.

**Hold On To What You Know**

**Chapter Two**

_You are the only one that I'm dreaming of,_

_Your precious heart was torn apart by me_

_Everything that I want, I want from you; but I just can't have you_

_Everything that I need, I need from you; but I just can't have you_

Blaine was frozen. He couldn't speak, he couldn't breathe, he could barely blink, but when Kurt started walking toward him it seemed to break the spell and he let out a giant gasp, eyes raking over Kurt's body and trying to remind himself that this wasn't for him anymore, that he wasn't the only person to ever see and have all of Kurt, and call him selfish and possessive but that...that _hurt, _especially knowing that the guy who currently _could _wasn't treating Kurt like he deserved.

He trusted Finn's judgment on this one. The other boy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes, but what he lacked in book-smarts he made up for with his ability to read people, and Blaine knew he'd be right about this.

Kurt was still staring at him, though, wringing his hands a little nervously like he wasn't sure how to respond, so Blaine plastered a smile onto his face and strode forward, stopping a few feet from Kurt and not making any move to touch him although every nerve in his body was screaming at him to.

That wasn't for him anymore. He'd wasted that.

"Kurt," he breathed, and it sounded far more wistful and desperate than he wanted it to. Hopefully the music would cover that, and it seemed to, because Kurt merely gave him an almost-warm smile and crossed his arms.

"Finn told me there was a surprise for me tonight. I could never have imagined..." he cut off, chuckling weakly. "You work here?"

"I do," Blaine nodded. "Can I get you anything? A drink? It's on me. I mean, of course it is, because I'll be getting it for you, but I mean you don't have to pay for it..."

"Blaine. Stop," Kurt said, not unkindly, and Blaine snapped his mouth shut because he realized he'd been babbling like a fool. "Just water is great, thanks. I'd love to get a bit of a buzz but I've got a deadline coming up and I can't afford to be drunk trying to sew patterns," he smiled a little more fully this time and Blaine returned it weakly, feeling how awkward this all was.

He was glad for the escape that getting the water provided him, and he filled up the glass and added some ice, staring to where Kurt had taken a seat to watch the band..

"Water," he set it down and Kurt smiled at him, inclining his head slightly in an obvious invitation for Blaine to sit, which he did. It was hard to talk over the band, but they stopped often enough to adjust this or that and Blaine could see Finn stealing glances over toward them, obviously checking to see how things were progressing.

"Fancy meeting you here," Kurt almost purred, and it might have been flirty, but Blaine's eyes flickered down to the thin, dual-colored silver and pewter band on his ring finger and felt his heart stutter again.

God, Kurt wasn't flirting. Kurt was _engaged. _Kurt was wearing a fucking _ring. _This wasn't anything other than friendly, and maybe not even that.

"Well, um, grad school, you know?" he shrugged and Kurt perked up, looking interested. "Kurt, this is...are we going to pretend this isn't awkward?"

"No," Kurt leaned back, his eyes seeming to study Blaine's body. "We're not. It's awkward. But I've...made my peace with your actions and after all this time it hurts less than it did. I think I've forgiven you," he admitted softly. "I'll never forget, but I've forgiven you. I understand why it happened, why you got into that mindset, and while that doesn't make it right it doesn't make it completely reprehensible, either," he explained softly and Blaine let out a tiny sigh of relief, because in a way Kurt's forgiveness had been the one thing he'd been searching for for the past few years.

"Thank you. I just...thank you," he whispered, looking down, and when he finally dared to raise his eyes again Kurt was smiling kindly at him, but Blaine noticed right away that there was nothing else in his eyes: no hidden desire, no regret, not even the slightest hint of longing, and that maybe hurt worse than anything else. "Um," he had to change the subject before he started embarrassingly bawling or something, so he gestured vaguely to Kurt's ring. "Finn told me. Congratulations. I'm...I'm happy for you," he croaked, and _then _Kurt's eyes lit up as he lifted his hand and spun the band around.

"I didn't even want rings, but Carter insisted. He has the strangest whims," Kurt laughed, clear as a bell, and Blaine longed for the days when that laugh was for him. "I like it now. Maybe I've gotten used to it," he mused, staring at the ring.

"When...when's the wedding?" Blaine asked hesitantly and Kurt shrugged.

"We haven't planned that yet. We just wanted to make it official, that we belonged to each other, that we wanted to marry, but I haven't set a date. I'm so busy with work and it's his last year at NYADA so we're...waiting until we can both settle down, in our own place, before planning anything concrete," he explained patiently and Blaine nodded, forcing a smile onto his face that he knew looked fake but he couldn't help it.

At one time he and Kurt had all but planned out their wedding, and it might have been horribly premature, but he still remembered all of it; from the colour scheme to the songs they were choosing to play, and it was the worst thing in that moment to think about.

"Well, I'm...just...I'm glad you found somebody," he whispered and Kurt looked away, biting his lip like he wasn't sure if what he was about to say was a good idea. He seemed to decide quickly, though, because his next few words came out in a rush.

"Did...did you?" he asked, and Blaine sighed heavily and tapped his fingers on the tabletop, wishing he'd brought himself a glass of something.

"No," he decided to go for the truth, not to make Kurt feel guilty, but just because there was no sense in lying. "I've...I've dated a few people, had a few more one-night-stands, but it all feels so...empty. Guess I'm waiting for the right guy," he replied flippantly, trying to smile, even though in his mind the right guy was here in front of him and Blaine couldn't have him. Not anymore.

"You'll find him," Kurt said, smiling kindly, and Blaine wanted to believe him but... "I did."

And there it was, spear of ice through the heart again, so Blaine pursed his lips and decided to change the course of their conversation. "Anyway, Finn said you play with them sometimes but you're busy tomorrow. What are you working on?"

He knew he'd asked the right thing when Kurt's eyes literally lit up and he leaned forward, entire body seemingly enthralled with what he was about to say. Kurt's passion and dedication were some of the most endearing things about him and it made Blaine happy to see him so excited and involved.

"Right. Well. You remember my old boss, Isabelle?" At Blaine's nod he kept going. "Yes. I couldn't keep my job at with NYADA, of course. Too many courses and outside of school rehearsals and performances, but I always kept in touch with Isabelle and after I'd graduated she told me that she had a lead on a small company...off-off-off-Broadway," he laughed, "but a theatre company nonetheless, and one in desperate need of a costume designer. So I get to utilize my fashion talents while also remaining in the theatre world, and I couldn't be happier," he gushed, and Blaine wanted to kiss him so badly in that moment, share in his excitement any way he could.

God, this was harder than he'd thought it would be.

"That's great," he said instead, clenching his fingers in the material of his jeans. "Really, really great. I'm glad things are going so well for you," and that wasn't even a lie, because he truly was. Kurt nodded, looking down at his own lap, and they lapsed into silence after that.

It was awkward. Now more than ever, and there was no getting around it. Before they used to talk about _everything, _reality TV and people and school and...them, of course, but now it was like they were utter strangers and Blaine _hated _it.

"So...what do you think?" Kurt said after a time, jerking his head toward the band, and Blaine turned to watch Sam and Puck bickering over some chord progression while Finn was slumped over the drums, apparently used to it. "They're not bad, huh?"

"They're good," Blaine admitted, and they were. He wasn't even being biased because he knew their talents, but the three of them were far better than most up-and-coming bands they got in to play, so Blaine was grateful for that. "Have they recorded a demo or anything?"

"They've been trying," Kurt laughed to himself. "It's harder than you'd think, though. I guess if..."

"We've got a recording studio," Blaine blurted before he could stop himself, but it was the one thing he could think of to keep them all close for a while. "Yeah, at...at the University, they record performances and things. I've got an in with the drama department, obviously, but I could probably talk to some of the workers there and book you guys...them...a time. I know how to work most of the equipment," he added, because part of taking drama there had been extensive knowledge in all areas, and sound and music had always been something he'd considered himself passionate about.

"You..." Kurt reached across the table, grabbing his hand, and Blaine almost fell out of his chair with the shock of it. "_Thank you. _God, if I had to listen to Finn rant one more time about how they were never going to make it..." he realized what he'd done and pulled back, but Blaine's fingers were still tingling. "Sorry. That was uncalled for. But I think they would really appreciate that," he suddenly got nervous again, checking his phone before getting to his feet. "I have to go. I know they're probably staying for drinks but I've got deadlines," he did look truly apologetic and Blaine watched him walk away, breath caught in his throat.

"Kurt..."

"Ask me," Kurt said without turning around, and Blaine quickly got to his feet. "I mean it. I still know you, Blaine, so ask whatever you're going to. And if it's my phone number the answer is yes," he added, Blaine feeling a surge of relief because if Kurt could get _that _then maybe they weren't as far apart as he'd feared. "Give me your phone," Kurt turned back, smiled, and Blaine shakily passed it over, watching as Kurt inputted his number and then sent himself a text from Blaine's phone to his own before returning it.

Blaine cradled the phone, staring at it in shock, but just before Kurt left he realized he had one last question. "Kurt! How did you..." he stopped, because Kurt had unlocked his phone without knowing his password, and the other man looked bashful before straightening up.

"Lucky guess," he scuffed his boot on the floor. "But before I go, I just...I need to know. Do you regret it?" his eyes were brilliantly blue, and Blaine found himself surging forward to take Kurt's hand without a second thought, holding it to his chest.

"Every day has been Hell, Kurt. Every single fucking day. I forgave myself, because I needed to or I'd have died, but I..."

"I forgive you," Kurt repeated his words from earlier. "Please. Don't...don't think about it anymore," he stopped, biting his lip, eyes shimmering, before he squeezed Blaine's hand and moved away. "I might show up tomorrow night if I can get done early," he called over his shoulder, and Blaine sniffed and nodded.

"I'll be here."

He watched Kurt leave, felt his heart break again, and then a tiny surge of hope poked through.

His phone password. November 9. 1109. The day they met.

Kurt remembered, he thought, and held the phone to his heart.

He remembered.

**Notes:**

**1. **Yes, they finally talked. And no, this isn't going to be an easy road, but I promise it will get better for them as time goes on :) Also, because I am a giant sap, I almost cried writing the last part of this chapter.

**2. **Thank you all for the lovely reviews and comments I've gotten on this fic so far! They always make me smile.

**3. **The song at the beginning of this chapter is "Stray Heart" by Green Day.


	4. Chapter 3

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 3/?  
**Word Count:** 2169  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt.

**Chapter Three**

_I count the ways I let you down,_

_I'd grip you tight but you're slipping out_

_I remember your eyes were so bright_

_When I first met you, so in love that night_

_Beautiful goodbye_

They kept things light over post-soundcheck-drinks, talking about the city and Blaine's offer to record a demo after the holidays, and eventually Finn elbowed Puck in the ribs and jerked his head toward the equipment. Puck grumbled but downed his beer and got out of his seat, going to help pack up, and Blaine realized the reason for this a moment later as Sam moved closer, grinning at him and shaking his shaggy hair out of his eyes.

"Hey. Guess they want us to talk, huh?" he asked, showing all his teeth, and Blaine snorted and wondered how much more emotional exhaustion one person could take in a day.

"Yeah. I'm really sorry, Sam," he whispered, grateful that this time he had a glass to wrap his hands around instead of clenching at thin air. "You're the one I really regret falling out of touch with, after everything you did for me..."

"Hey, no," Sam shook his head and slung his arm around Blaine's shoulders, pulling him in. "Dude, I know you didn't know me well back then, but the beginning of junior year when my family moved to Kentucky? That's what I did. Just, like, disappeared, but Finn found me on Facebook or whatever. So I get that, and I'm totally not mad that you did," he said, and Blaine believed him.

He let his head rest on Sam's shoulder and let out a heavy sigh, utterly drained, and Sam rubbed his arm for a few moments before he spoke again.

"You know that...dude, I feel awful saying this because Kurt's amazing and everything, but...nobody likes Carter," Sam leaned back and rubbed his arm, and Blaine was a little surprised to hear him say that. Finn, he could see, but Sam pretty much liked _everybody _so to hear him say that he didn't think Carter was good for Kurt was pretty definitive.

"Well, I want...I want him back as much as all of you seem to want me to be with him, but it's not up to me," Blaine said, and that truth still hurt more than it should. "It's only up to him if he wants to give me another chance, and honestly I...don't blame him if he never does," he smiled sadly, because he didn't. He didn't hold any grudges toward Kurt, especially not after seeing him again, but he never had turned his guilt into blame, never looked for excuses as to why _Kurt _was at fault.

It was all on him, and he had to bear the consequences of that for maybe the rest of his life.

"Dude, just...keep trying. He still wants to talk to you, right?"

"He gave me his number," Blaine affirmed, cradling his phone to his chest like it was a part of Kurt himself. He'd touched it, his fingers had been on it, and that might be entirely creepy but Blaine felt connected to him by that. Somehow.

"That's awesome, then, dude. That means he wants you in his life," Sam pointed out what Blaine already knew, but it was nice to hear it affirmed by somebody else.

"Maybe. But still, he's engaged. I'm not going to be the guy to try and draw him away from his fiance," Blaine sighed and leaned more heavily on Sam, glancing up only when Puck and Finn came over again.

"Hey, dude, what're you doing for Christmas?" Finn asked without preamble, plopping into the chair across from them, and Blaine thought for a moment before shrugging. He'd almost forgotten Christmas was fast approaching, seeing as how the only person he still got a gift for was Cooper, and he was so busy most of the time they never saw each other regardless.

"The same thing I've done since I moved to New York, I guess," he replied softly. "Sitting in my apartment with something take-out and watching old Christmas movies," he laughed in a rather self-deprecating way, because wow, that sounded pathetic now that he said it aloud.

From the look on Finn's face he thought so, too, and he reached to touch Blaine's arm and shook his head. "Why don't you come home with us?"

"I..." Blaine paused, because he could think of a million reasons why he never wanted to set foot in Ohio again, but the biggest one was still at the forefront of his mind. "I'm not exactly...welcome in the Anderson household any longer. They haven't disowned me or anything, but my father made it quite clear that if I chose to go into music instead of a, and I quote, 'respectable profession, it's bad enough your _brother's _an _actor, _Blaine, but at least his lifestyle choices are appropriate,' that I was largely on my own. Which explains the dump of an apartment and the job," he gestured, shrugging. "But I wasn't going to do something I hated just to ensure he kept giving me money so...here I am," he smiled thinly and Sam gave him a one-armed hug, rubbing his arm as Blaine leaned into him. "Cooper's the only person in my family I still talk to, and he's still refusing to come to New York for some reason so I rarely see him."

"Then dude, don't go home to your parents, come stay with us," Finn looked really excited. "You can have Sam's old room."

"'Yeah, I always go home to Kentucky anyway to see my parents and my siblings, so I'm not gonna be there," Sam added, and Blaine wasn't sure what to say. Sure, the Hudmel household had always been a second home to him back when Kurt was still in high school, but ever since he'd...messed things up he hadn't been back or even really talked to Burt, and he was more than a little afraid of the older man.

"Dude, don't worry about Kurt's dad," Finn said with a smile, obviously knowing where Blaine's mind had been. "Seriously, he still likes you. Well, more than Carter, anyway," Finn shrugged and Blaine had to laugh, because he'd heard nothing but horrible things about Kurt's fiance and he remembered what Finn had said earlier about him not having Burt's approval.

"Does _nobody_ like him?" he asked cautiously and Puck shrugged.

"Not really, dude. He's just...he's never really fit in with us, y'know? Like, there's nothing wrong with him, but he and Kurt are so wrong for each _other," _he crossed his arms and leaned back and Blaine wondered absently why Kurt would stay with somebody he didn't fit with. But then, it was probably the same reason he stayed with the guy who was allegedly not realizing how amazing he was, and Blaine felt a little guilty that maybe he had caused this, that maybe Kurt had gone for the first guy to show interest in him because he didn't think he could do better, or didn't think anybody that treated him the way Blaine did would stay with him.

"It's not your fault," Sam tugged him closer again. "I can tell that you're blaming yourself again, Blaine, and you can't go through life like that. Yeah, this guy's a tool, but hopefully if Kurt spends a little more time with you he'll realize that he deserves so much better," he added, and Blaine blinked rapidly because he'd _missed _having friends like this, people that would reassure him and stop him from spiralling too low.

"I...I'm starting to realize that. Thank you," he said honestly, glancing around the table again. 'Will...will Carter be there for Christmas?"

"Nah, he's got some final semester project he's gotta stick around for, but...I don't think anybody's, like, too broken up about that, y'know?" Finn grinned across the table and Blaine had to return the smile, because he was a little glad that he had at least a few days to try and rebuild _something _with Kurt without his fiance there to interfere.

He still felt a little guilty, like they were all prying too much into Kurt's life, but Blaine trusted Finn and _especially _trusted Burt to know what was good for his son, and he knew Kurt well enough to know that sometimes he just needed a push in the right direction, as stubborn as he naturally was.

"I...Okay," he finally conceded with a nod, knowing that he might regret it but needing to do this for himself. "I'll come. Do you..."

"Can you get there?" Finn asked, looking a little guilty. "'Sorry, I know you said you've like got no money and I basically just told you to buy a plane ticket, but..."

"I've got enough for that," Blaine promised. "I'll check flights and let you all know tomorrow at your concert, okay?"

"Sounds good, man," Finn held up his fist and Blaine bumped it with a tiny laugh, glancing down and shifting a little closer to Sam.

Nothing was perfect, of course not, but for the first time he felt a little more than hopeless and maybe that was all he could ask for.

000

The concert the next night went, in Blaine's opinion, really well. He'd tried to promote what he could around the campus and they'd attracted a pretty large crowd that was definitely enjoying the show, but Blaine's attention was diverted from the three men on the stage when he heard the door open over the noise and turned, seeing Kurt slipping through followed by another man that Blaine immediately disliked.

He knew it was stupid, that this irrational jealousy had no place in his life any longer, but the truth was he'd _always _be jealous of other men Kurt was with.

The guy that walked in after Kurt was tall...not as tall as Finn but taller than Kurt, with shaggy, dirty-blond hair and a rather smug grin that had Blaine's hackles rising before he could help it. He immediately slid an arm around Kurt's waist and started to guide him through the crowd, and Blaine turned away before he could do something he regretted.

God, he just had to get over it already. Kurt wasn't his, he didn't have any right to feel this protective of him, and even though everybody seemed to think this guy was a jerk he trusted that Kurt wouldn't stay with somebody that hurt him in any way.

So maybe he didn't have the greatest personality, but as long as he treated Kurt right that was all that should matter.

...except it wasn't, and Blaine was squeezing a glass in his fist when he heard Kurt's voice reach him.

"Hey!"

"Hey, Kurt," he said quietly, leaning on the counter with his elbows and his eyes locked on Carter's. "You must be Carter. I've heard a lot about you."

"And you're the ex? Kurt told me he met you here last night," Carter's voice, from what he could hear, was pleasant enough, but there was a tone to it that sounded a little too mocking to Blaine's ears. That might have been his imagination, though, so he tried to ignore it.

"That's me," Blaine gave him a tight-lipped smile. "Can I get you boys anything?"

Kurt ordered water again on the pretense of just stopping in before going to work on some more designs, but Carter ordered a beer so Blaine got that for him, sliding it over as the other man all but gulped it down and Kurt half-glared at him.

Blaine winced, because he knew that Kurt probably wasn't fond of guys who drank a lot, especially after what Blaine had done around him while he'd been drinking.

They were silent after that, Blaine trying to ignore the fact that Kurt had his fiance there and Kurt staring at the stage, his foot tapping against the stool in time with the drums. Carter left to head for the washroom at some point and Kurt turned back to Blaine, his smile a little more forced this time.

"So? What do you...I know you've barely met him, but...nobody seems to like him. I know Finn doesn't, and my dad doesn't, but I..." he sighed. "He does love me. And he does...make me happy. He's a tad too possessive and I think he worries about other people telling me he's no good for me, but..."

"It's not my place to say," Blaine said immediately, ducking down to get some drinks for another customer before turning back to Kurt. "As long as you're happy and he's treating you right, I'm happy for you," he knew his voice was hollow but Kurt didn't seem to notice, beaming at him happily and he and Carter left soon after the other man had returned from the washroom.

Carter kept his hand on Kurt's arm the entire time, like he was afraid Kurt would slip away otherwise, and Blaine stopped watching them make their way out of the bar after a while.

It still hurt too fucking much to see Kurt walking away from him, and Kurt walking away from him with another man all over him was the worst torture of all.

**Notes:**

**1. **I know, it's not getting any easier for Blaine, is it? It will, though, I promise!

**2. **Thank you all so much for all of the comments and reviews on this fic! I'm glad that people are enjoying this fic!

**3. **The lyrics are from Maroon 5's "Beautiful Goodbye."


	5. Chapter 4

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 4/?  
**Word Count:** 2048  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt.

**Chapter Four**

_Cause you only live forever in the lights you make  
When we were young we used to say  
That you only hear the music when your heart begins to break  
Now we are the kids from yesterday_

Blaine didn't see Kurt again before he boarded the plane that would take him to Ohio for the first time in years. He had planned on it, but every time his finger hovered over the 'call' button or he thought about sending a text something stopped him. It was weird, he knew it was. Nobody was best friends with their exes, at least not when said ex was still in love with them. There was no way it would work, and Blaine had a feeling that Carter already was suspicious of him and the last thing he wanted was for Carter and Kurt to argue because of him.

Besides, with final exams and projects and everything he was swamped as it was, so on December 22 when he rolled his suitcase through the airport, running for his gate, he barely thought about the fact that he'd have almost two weeks living with Kurt because it was too overwhelming.

He wasn't idiotic enough to think it would turn out like some fairy-tale, like Kurt would suddenly realize he had loved him and only him all along and fall into his arms and his bed, but he did miss being with Kurt as a person and that was what he was looking forward the most to.

He daydreamed the flight away, picking up his luggage and meeting Finn at the exit of the terminal (the other boys had flown to Ohio a couple of days sooner but this was the earliest flight Blaine could get from booking so late), and Finn grinned and clapped him on the back before leading him out to his old pick-up truck.

"Yeah, I know she's a piece of junk but she still runs, right? And it totally doesn't pay to own a car in New York so I just leave her here until I need her," he explained, waiting until Blaine got in before they pulled away and started the journey from Columbus to Lima.

Blaine was silent for a while, lost in thought and just watching the scenery go by, but eventually he cleared his throat and turned to look at Finn. "Can I ask...does he know I'm coming?" he inquired, not sure what he'd prefer Finn's answer to be.

"Yeah. We kinda had to check with him, dude. I mean, how awkward would it be for you to be in our house for like two weeks when he really didn't want you there?" Finn shrugged like Blaine should have known this, and maybe he should have, but he was relieved that Kurt _did_ want him there.

"So he's okay with it?"

"He, like, didn't seem too sure, but he said it was okay," Finn shrugged and Blaine supposed that was as good as it was going to get.

"Okay. As long as...I don't want to ruin his holiday or anything," he said, feeling slightly guilty, but Finn leaned over to pat his leg.

"You won't. It'll be an awesome Christmas, Blaine."

Blaine nodded, smiling at Finn before turning back to the window.

For once, he believed that it might be.

000

He was welcomed with far more enthusiasm than he'd anticipated by both Carole and Burt, with a hug from the former that he lingered in a little too long (his own parents weren't ones for physical affection, after all, and it had been a long time since he'd gotten a mothering hug) and a solid shoulder clap from Burt as the older man gruffly grunted, "It's good to see you again, kid."

"You as well, sir," Blaine nodded stiffly as Burt laughed.

"It's just Burt, Blaine. I think we know each other well enough for that," he'd smiled then and gone to watch TV, Finn loping after him, and Carole had told him that Kurt was still readying his room in the basement if he wanted to take his things down.

He did, smelling the familiar smells of the Hummel-Hudson house and trekking the familiar paths within (it really had been like a home to him while Kurt was still in high school) and he pushed open the door to the guest room to see Kurt just finishing up putting the sheets on the bed.

"Hi," he glanced back over his shoulder, giving Blaine a tiny smile, and Blaine felt a warm thrill at the sight of Kurt in casual clothing.

He was still wearing things that fit him perfectly, a hooded sweatshirt that was taut around his toned biceps and yoga pants that clung rather distractingly to his thighs and ass, but Blaine knew that casual!Kurt was something few people had the pleasure of seeing and knowing that Kurt was okay with him seeing it _now_...that was big.

"Good flight?" Kurt asked vaguely, smoothing his hands over the bedspread and standing up, and Blaine nodded.

"Good as it always is, I guess. I haven't been back to Ohio for a couple of years so I'm not that used to it, but..." he shrugged. "I'm sorry if you don't want me here. I can leave, but Finn said..."

"Blaine. Stop," Kurt laughed shortly, the sound free for the brief moment it hung in the air between them. "If I hadn't wanted you here I would have said so. I meant it when I said that...I wanted us to be friends again. We can be that, right?"

"We were friends first," Blaine nodded, even though he knew it would be difficult, especially if Kurt kept smiling at him like that. "But...thank you. And your whole family. For taking me in like this."

"I know what your parents are like," Kurt replied. "Anyway, everything should be set up for you. Feel free to take over the dresser and the closet if you want to take your clothes out of the suitcase. Bathroom's through there, which you know, and you can use whatever you want as far as shampoo and shower gel goes. If you need anything just ask one of us and we'll direct you to it. Make yourself at home, Blaine," Kurt walked closer and Blaine gulped, still feeling awed being in his presence.

"Thank you. Again," he stammered and Kurt patted his arm on the way by, sweeping out of the room on silent feet.

"Dinner should be in an hour or so, but you're free to come up and watch sports with Dad and Finn. They'll be there most of the break," Kurt's voice wafted back to him as he started to unpack, hanging up a few things like he was reluctant to make himself _too _at home, but a moment later he realized how silly that was and emptied his suitcase.

He still hated the strained awkwardness between himself and Kurt, the knowledge that neither of them quite knew what to say, but he hoped that over the next two weeks or so it would get better.

He really, really hoped it would.

000

"Blaine Anderson, in the flesh and as fine as ever!"

Blaine froze grabbing his coffee from the counter at the Lima Bean, his face forced into a smile as he turned and laid eyes on one person he thought he'd never see again.

Not that he and Sebastian were enemies any longer, or even frosty with each other, but Blaine was running into a lot of ghosts from his past lately and this just seemed too coincidental.

"Sebastian," he breathed out, unsurprised when the other man hugged him from behind for a brief moment before letting go. "Thought you'd be celebrating the holidays in Paris or somewhere equally as fabulous."

"Nah, Dad had a big case he had to stay and work on so I decided to spend it in good 'ol rustic Ohio. You got a minute? Want to catch up?" he gestured to a table and Blaine nodded, truly happy to see a familiar face.

"So how's law school?" he asked once they were seated, sipping at his drip coffee, and Sebastian shrugged before breaking into his normal smug grin.

"I think I'm going to be an _excellent _lawyer. I'm very persuasive, you know," he leaned forward, almost whispering it, and Blaine had to snort because Sebastian's methods of 'persuasion' were more suited to the bedroom than the courtroom. "No, I'm enjoying it. And you? What brings the New Yah-ker back to the midwest?" he grinned and Blaine rolled his eyes at his rather botched impression of a Brooklyn accent as he took a breath and recounted his story in short form, keeping only the important parts in.

Sebastian, to his immense credit, didn't make a single snarky remark, and if there was something like sympathy in his eyes Blaine tried to convince himself he was only imagining it.

"I know, it's stupid," Blaine said before Sebastian could. "I mean...just move on already, Anderson. He obviously has," Blaine sniffed and took another quick drink of his coffee before Sebastian spoke.

"I don't think that, Blaine," his voice was soft, almost reflective, and Blaine felt a stab of anger go through him.

Why couldn't he be like Sebastian? Why did he have to be such a sappy romantic that he expected love and forevers and hated meaningless sex? "Well, not like you've ever been in love," he grumbled, and the shocked look on the other man's face stopped him.

"The me of five years ago wasn't, but I think I've learned a lot since then," Sebastian said firmly, and Blaine immediately felt guilty.

"Seb, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

"It's okay. I don't blame you," the man shrugged. "And I'd love to stay and chat but I'm supposed to meet Hunter because the blasted idiot left his shopping until the last minute and he's forgotten to buy that cat of his a present again."

Blaine didn't think anything of it until he saw the tiny, almost imperceptible smile on Sebastian's face, and suddenly his earlier words about love made more sense. "You and...I thought he wasn't 'even remotely bi-curious,'" Blaine quoted as Sebastian threw his head back and laughed.

"He's not. He's _extremely _bi-curious. And oh so obedient in the bedroom. Military training," Sebastian raised an eyebrow and Blaine couldn't hide a smile at that one. "_So_ good at following orders. And besides, I just _told_ you I'm persuasive. I don't take kindly to being turned down, and I _always _get what I want. Well, except _you," _his eyes raked over Blaine's body, feeling like pure, raw sex, and Blaine shuddered without meaning to. "But you're single now. We're always up for a threesome, if you ever..."

"Thanks, but I'll pass," Blaine finally found his voice and Sebastian, hauled him to his feet and into a tight hug, keeping his hands on Blaine's shoulders as they parted.

"Here, give me your number, we can meet up again," he said, and they exchanged numbers before Sebastian had to leave. "And...don't give up on Kurt. I know you, Blaine, and I know that _you're _pretty damn good at getting what you want, too," he left with a parting wave that Blaine returned, and as he sat back down to finish his coffee, he realized he had a lot more to think about.

000

When he got back to Kurt's house, he was accosted by the other man as soon as he got through the door, something about cookies and brownies and icing and 'Carole's picking up an extra shift you're the _only one I trust, please,' _and he was in the kitchen, whipping up a couple of batches of frosting while Kurt flitted around like a mad thing trying to coordinate the ovens and cooling racks and make more batter at the same time.

It was weirdly domestic, the silence between them comfortable for the first time since they'd re-connected, and Blaine watched Kurt move around him with practiced ease and thought that if they could do this every day of their lives he'd be utterly content.

Sebastian was right, after all.

He _was_ pretty good at getting what he wanted.

And when Kurt turned to smile at him, radiant despite flour in his hair and a smear of batter on his cheek Blaine really wanted to swipe off with his thumb, he felt like maybe there was more hope than he'd led himself to believe.

**Notes:**

**1. **I'd toyed with the idea of adding Sebastian, but I thought it would be good to have somebody not directly connected to Kurt for Blaine to talk to so I did. And I've decided that Hunter/Sebastian is a glorious thing and so I had to reference it here ;)

**2. **The lyrics are from My Chemical Romance's "The Kids From Yesterday"

**3. **Please let me know what you thought :)


	6. Chapter 5

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 5/?  
**Word Count:** 1997  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt.

**Chapter Five**

_I want to hold you, but I am afraid_

_I want to touch you, but I'm not that way_

_I have many fears about rejection, I have many memories of pain_

_I have always hurt the one that I love,_

_So I'll turn and look the other way._

Christmas Eve dawned clear and cold, Blaine snuggling under the blankets for a moment or two before he realized he was an idiot because he hadn't picked up any presents for Kurt's family and he'd be hard-pressed to get them today. He sighed deeply, not wanting to get out of bed, when the door creaked open and Kurt poked his head in, a fond smile on his lips.

"Come on, sleepyhead. Up and at 'em, or Finn will eat all the pancakes," he threatened as Blaine sat up with a groan, pillow lines on his face and hair in complete curly-frizzy-disarray and probably looking like a madman, but Kurt just kept smiling. "Something wrong?"

"No, just...I realized that it's...Christmas Eve," he replied, and Kurt looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. "I know, I know, but I...have nothing to give you all for inviting me here," he finished lamely as Kurt snorted.

"Don't even, Blaine Anderson. I know things aren't easy for you right now, and to be entirely cheesy, 'your presence is your gift,'" he used air-quotes and everything and Blaine barely held back a laugh. "Help me with more baking today and tomorrow and we'll call it even. Deal?" he had one hand on his hip, eyebrow raised in a 'don't-fuck-with-me' pose, and Blaine knew it was pointless to argue.

"Deal."

Kurt stared at him for a bit more, contemplatively, before shaking his head. "I forgot how crazy your hair got in the mornings," he sounded almost wistful and Blaine raised a hand instinctively to pat it down before Kurt shook his head again, firmer this time. "No, leave it. It...it's fine."

"Remember how long it took me to be comfortable showing you my post-sleep ungelled hair?" Blaine laughed, because while he still wasn't fond of it, he'd gotten more used to it over the years.

"I love your hair," Kurt shook his head. "Honestly, once you got more comfortable with me seeing it, it was a lot nicer to not worry about my hands and sheets being covered in gel," he teased, before he snapped his mouth shut and his eyes widened in what looked like shock.

Blaine blushed, looking down, because wow, that was way too easy to slip back into. And he had to admit, talking about their past sex life was probably unhealthy with Kurt being 500 miles away from his fiancé, so he cleared his throat and shrugged and tried to change the topic.

"So Carter can't make it at all?" he asked, and Kurt crossed his arms and took a deep breath before walking into the room and sitting down on the edge of Blaine's bed, far too close for comfort.

"He...could, if he really wanted to, but his family's from New York so he'd rather stay there," he started picking at a thread in the bedspread, lips pursed outward. "And, well, you already know this, but Dad and Finn? Not the greatest company for him. He doesn't feel comfortable around here, and that's partly because of them. I have no idea why they find him so objectionable because I know they want me to be happy but he does make me happy. It's like they don't believe me," he frowned and shifted back a little more.

"Well, I don't really know him, but I didn't think he was that bad," Blaine gave Kurt a weak smile and the other boy nodded.

"You're too nice, though. You love everybody, or at least you try to," Kurt pointed out, and Blaine shrugged. "Even people that were horrible to you."

"Speaking of that," he suddenly perked up, realizing that Kurt didn't know, "I ran into Sebastian at the Lima Bean yesterday. He's...matured. A lot."

"Matured enough that he won't assault people with rock salt?" Kurt snarked, and Blaine had to laugh. Yes, that experience had been wholly unpleasant and painful, but he did believe Sebastian when he said it was never meant to go that far.

"I'd like to think so. It was nice seeing a familiar face...even if it was his," he added, and Kurt laughed.

"Well, you might be seeing a lot more. Rachel has an annual New Year's Bash at the Berry household, and all former New Directions members are indefinitely invited. If Finn and I have to go sit through that, you'd better come with us," he reached over to pat Blaine's arm and while Blaine was unsure, seeing so many people he'd all but abandoned at the end of senior year, he knew he couldn't say no to Kurt.

"Okay," he sighed, and Kurt flashed him a brilliant grin that he would never say 'no' to before getting up.

"I'm serious about the pancakes by the way. He will eat them all," he winked, leaving the room with a sway of his hips, and Blaine groaned and flopped backwards, forcing himself upright because he was definitely in the mood for some pancakes and he knew that Kurt's threats weren't empty as far as Finn was concerned.

So he pulled on an old Dalton T-shirt he still had lying around, tried to muss his hair into some semblance of normality (or at least ensure that people looking at him didn't turn to stone, although if it stopped Finn from eating...) and exited the bedroom to head upstairs.

000

The day was...nice. Domestic.

He'd always felt like he fit in more with the Hummel-Hudsons than he did with his own family, and when that night, sitting in the living room with cups of hot cocoa in front of the fireplace, Kurt asked him to play some Christmas songs on the piano, he couldn't resist.

It was as if they'd never stopped singing together, voices blending seamlessly into harmonies they hadn't had to use in years, and when Finn bounded over and wanted to join in they really couldn't refuse him.

"I thought you always opened gifts Christmas Eve?" Blaine asked later, much too close to Kurt under a blanket, and Kurt shrugged and smiled at him lazily.

"We did. My dad and I, but Finn's a perpetual five-year-old and he was always disappointed that we never saved any presents for Christmas morning so we stopped that. Expect to be woken up about 7 tomorrow morning by a large man-child pouncing on you, by the way," he added, and Blaine snorted and shoved at his shoulder playfully.

"Hey, so do you still leave milk and cookies for Santa?" he asked, grinning, and Kurt shoved him back at that.

They leave milk and cookies on the coffee table anyway.

They both know Finn will eat them.

000

Kurt was right.

Christmas morning Blaine woke up to a rather large mass on top of him and lashed out on instinct, hearing Finn yelp before his wrists were caught and pinned back.

"Dude, seriously? That's how you treat your bed-partners?" Finn looked amused, grinning, and Blaine glared at him until Finn let him go. "It's Christmas!"

"I've gathered," Blaine replied dryly, stretching out a little, and Finn bounced off like an over-eager dog as Blaine groaned and rubbed his eyes.

"Told you."

He looked up to see Kurt leaning in the doorway, adorably tousled and wearing his sleep-clothes, and Blaine stumbled out of bed and over to the stairs, patting Kurt's shoulder on the way by as he headed up to the living room.

000

Exchanging presents was a lot of wrapping paper and string and bows and camera flashes and Kurt protesting that he wasn't fit to be photographed, and when all was said and done Blaine had three presents in front of him, all of his protests gone unheeded.

Burt and Carole had obviously picked up something on the fly, just a hat, scarf and gloves, but Blaine's own winter wear was old and thin and did little to keep out the cold anymore so he appreciated it.

Finn had gotten him a pair of headphones, and not just any headphones, but actual professional ones. He'd been a little amazed but Finn had laughed and slapped him on the back, saying that 'if you're gonna record our demo, we've gotta make sure you're hearing everything right when you're mixing stuff,' but Blaine was overwhelmed by it regardless.

The last package was bigger, obviously clothing, and when he pulled the warm-looking, silky-soft winter coat out his eyes widened. There was no tag on it, nothing to indicate what brand it was, and when he stood up to try it on at Kurt's urging he realized that it probably _wasn't _any brand he'd ever heard of.

The coat hugged his body perfectly, ending right at mid-thigh, the sleeves the exact right length and there was enough give through his shoulders and chest that it wasn't tight anywhere.

He knew instantly what that meant, and he turned to Kurt. "Did you...is this..."

"A Hummel original," Kurt replied with a tiny half-smile. "I saw your other one looked like it had seen too many winters, so I thought...call it creepy, but I still remembered your measurements," he was blushing, eyes averted, hair falling in front of his face, and Blaine felt tears spring to his own eyes because _God, _Kurt was amazing.

"I...I don't even know what to..._thank you," _he choked out, and when Kurt looked up again his gaze was steady.

"You can...you can hug me. You know. If you want to..." he was barely on his feet before Blaine had thrown himself at him, clutching him close and feeling Kurt grip at him almost as fiercely.

He heard shuffling, probably the others leaving to give them a moment alone, but he couldn't care less because he was _in Kurt Hummel's arms again, _and Kurt smelt the same and felt the same as he'd always done.

For a moment Blaine pretended the last few years hadn't existed, that it had always been like this, and Kurt held him close and didn't let him pull away.

"I really did miss my best friend," Kurt choked into his ear, and then they were both crying, but it was the good kind.

The cathartic kind, that left him utterly drained but indescribably happy, and when Kurt finally pulled away he had a smile on his face, too.

000

Blaine had no idea where Finn got the mistletoe from, but there it was, hanging jauntily from the kitchen doorframe, and after the fourth time Finn had bumped into Kurt in the doorway and grinned at Kurt until the other man had relented and pecked his cheek, Kurt had threatened him with, 'so help me, Finn Hudson, if you try that one again I'm kissing you smack on the lips!' Finn had shrugged, and walked away, audibly muttering, 'bet you'd like that...', which had resulted in a rather manic chase around the house that only ended when Finn nearly killed himself tripping over the couch.

Yes, Blaine thought with a smile, Christmas in the Hummel-Hudson house was definitely not boring.

Of course, he knew what Finn was doing, and he appreciated the show of support from...well...everybody, but if Kurt was going to give him another chance he had to do it on his own and not because people were trying to influence him to.

Still, his mind slipped a little before dinner and he was heading into the kitchen to get a refill on his eggnog at the same time Kurt was coming out, both of them trying to get around each other in the doorway before Kurt looked up and sighed.

"Blaine."

"Finn's not here..." Blaine started to protest, getting a Look from Kurt, and he knew that well enough: the second they tried to move without doing this Finn would show up and badger them until they did.

"Well, tradition and all," Kurt shrugged, but his smile was tight and strained and Blaine tried to think up an excuse so that he wouldn't have to do this.

He couldn't.

And he was fucking terrified.

**Notes:**

**1. **Yes, cliffhanger, I'm evil ;)

**2. **I've had a few comments on this fic about my writing style, or more specifically the fact that it is very 'sparse' and not completely detail-oriented, and I wanted to address that here. Basically, I write what I enjoy reading, and when I read a fic that has chapters of beautifully written description but where nothing happens plot-wise, I end up feeling a little dissatisfied. Part of this may have to do with the fact that I have ADHD and get easily bored, but it tracks over into my writing and, yes, I'll admit that my stories are event-based with just enough details to hopefully paint a visible mind-picture. For instance, could I have said in this chapter what Burt/Carole/Finn/Kurt all got for Christmas? Yes, but since this story is from Blaine's POV, it really has no relevance to the plot whatsoever. What he received _does, _which is why it was included, but everything else is extraneous and in my mind just words that have no real deeper significance. So I hope that explains why I write the way I do :)

**3. **yes, yes, self-pimpage, but I now have a twitter account and am slowly trying to figure out that site, so if you'd like to follow me I'm at twitter dot com /andantepresto

**4. **The song lyrics for this chapter are from 'The Other Way' by Weezer.


	7. Chapter 6

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 6/?  
**Word Count:** 2201  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt.

**Chapter Six**

_Life's not as easy as it seems_

_It feels like the saddest song,_

_Nothing can stop us now_

_Feels like a kiss on the mouth._

"We don't have to...I can just...on the cheek..." Blaine sputtered, and he saw that Kurt was looking at him with nothing less than kindness, smiling as he leaned in and patted Blaine's shoulder.

"Don't," Kurt shook his head, crossing his arms and smiling kindly at Blaine. "Please. You don't have to...make this awkward. It's mistletoe. I'm sure Carter would understand," he shrugged, and Blaine really couldn't think of a reason why he was telling himself not to kiss Kurt, so he leaned in, feeling Kurt's hand slide up his arm and around his neck, and something just snapped within him at the far-too-tender motion.

He was barely aware of himself anymore, only feeling the soft, wet, hot slide of Kurt's mouth against his own, and even though neither of them would let it go farther than just lips on lips, Blaine knew without a doubt that he was still as in love with this man as he'd been five years ago and it was scary and overwhelming and _perfect_.

"Blaine," Kurt moaned against his mouth, pulling away, and Blaine realized that yeah, that had gone too far for mistletoe, but Kurt pulled him into a hug and Blaine went willingly, forehead pressed to Kurt's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I don't know..."

"I know. It's okay," Kurt whispered, sounding right on the verge of tears, and Blaine sniffed and clutched at Kurt's shirt, because maybe for once it actually was.

000

Things with Kurt got easier after that.

Not perfect, not by any means, but they're falling back into old habits quickly and soon they're as comfortable around each other as they were when they were seventeen, friendly touches and shared jokes, and Blaine feels a part of him start to heal that he'd thought would never be fixed.

New Year's Eve was upon them quickly, and soon enough he was standing on Rachel's front porch with Kurt and Finn, a little wary because he hadn't seen anybody since high school, but Rachel opened the door with as much flair and excitement as she always had. She took one look at Blaine and squealed loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood, throwing her arms around him while Finn tried to slink by them unnoticed.

He was led in with Rachel babbling on and on, and the welcome he got from everybody was surprisingly warm. Maybe Puck and Sam had warned them, he thought as the blond nodded to him and raised his glass of...whatever he was drinking, but when Kurt shoved a flute of champagne into his hand he didn't protest.

He ended up next to Santana on the couch, the dark-haired woman raking her eyes over his form before she leaned back and smirked.

"Well, long time no see, Frodo. Get lost in the depths of Mordor without your Sam to guide you out?" she looked knowingly across the room at Sam himself before snickering. "Or just too good for your little Lima friends anymore?"

"Santana, it's not..."

"I know. Kurt," she rolled her eyes but he could tell she was only joking with him. "Everything comes back to him, doesn't it?"

"I'm in love with him," Blaine replied with a shaky laugh of his own. "I've never stopped loving him."

"You're so sappy it's disgusting," she replied, but when he sighed heavily and leaned his head on her shoulder, she didn't push him away. "I've heard his new guy's kind of a dick."

"That's what everybody says."

"Well, point for you, then. You might _have_ a dick, Anderson, but you aren't one," she smirked and raised her eyebrows and he groaned. "Why would Hummel shack up with a douche, though?"

"I don't think he is," Blaine said. "I mean, I talked to him for all of two minutes, but I think everybody just...doesn't think he's right for Kurt. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy," he added, and Santana nodded thoughtfully after a moment or two.

"I guess," she conceded, looking up as Kurt basically toppled into Blaine's lap, obviously a little tipsy.

Which was odd, because Blaine had never seen him drunk. He'd always been the designated driver when they'd gone anywhere with alcohol, but from both the rather giggly nature he was stuck in and the flush on his cheeks, Blaine was willing to bet he'd had more than one glass of champagne already.

"Hey," he murmured, sitting up a little but still in Blaine's lap, and Santana snorted.

"Speaking of, you boys getting your mack on a midnight? It's an Old-New Directions New Year's Tradition," she raised an eyebrow and Blaine winced.

"Santana, he's..."

"Doesn't matter. So'r some other people, but the rule is if you're in this house, in this party, when the clock strikes twelve? You're kissing somebody," she looked positively evil now and Kurt nodded.

'It's...it's true. The last few years I had to kiss Brittany because...because there weren't any other gay guys. But now there is!" he said happily, snuggling against Blaine, and Blaine was starting to see that this could get really, really bad.

"Yup, so you two pretty ponies had better be having a tongue-war at midnight or Auntie 'Tana's going to spill champagne on Hummel's shirt here," she pointed and Kurt whined, tucking his face against Blaine's neck.

"Don't let her ruin my clothes, Blaine."

"I...I won't," Blaine glared at Santana, who raised her glass in return, and he really needed people to stop trying to get him and Kurt back together.

000

11:59.

Blaine looked at the clock, looked to the television where everybody was counting down with New York, looked to Kurt still perched in his lap and smiling rather tipsily at him, and realized he had no way out.

Not that he wanted one, really, but this was all a little too good to be true, and when the ball dropped Kurt was leaning in before he could process it and this time Blaine didn't let himself hold back.

He'd had a bit of champagne also, and maybe that was skewing his judgment, but when Kurt's tongue pressed against his lips he opened them.

Everything was a little hazy after that, all tongues and teeth and roving hands, but by the time he realized that maybe they were both more drunk than they realized his hands were firmly settled on Kurt's ass and Kurt's were clenched in the front of his shirt.

He broke away with a gasp, meeting Kurt's eyes that were as wide and incredulous as his own, and he heard Puck give a rather obnoxious wolf-whistle and saw that the room at large (of course) seemed to be happy about this.

"Thanks," Kurt shrugged, finally hopping off his lap and staggering over to grab some snacks, and Blaine let his head flop onto the back of the couch and wondered just how fucked one man could get.

"Yeah, I think he still loves you," Santana patted his thigh and Blaine sighed.

"He's engaged."

"Doesn't mean a damn thing, Frodo," the woman assured him. "Now get up and dance with me."

So Blaine did.

000

The next morning he woke up to a body pressed up against him in bed and momentarily panicked before he heard Kurt mumble something in his ear, and then everything came rushing back.

The party. The kiss. The fact that Blaine was the only one sober enough to drive.

The fact that somehow in getting into the house they'd all ended up downstairs in the guest room, Finn crashing on the floor with a pillow and an extra blanket and Kurt, apparently, deciding it was okay to share the bed.

"Morning," Kurt groaned in his ear, much too close, his arm around Blaine's waist and his fingers splayed across the other man's chest. "Hmm, Blaine..."

Blaine sighed, because at least Kurt was aware enough to know who he was. "Yeah?"

"...You're warm," Kurt mumbled, and great, apparently slightly-hungover-Kurt was clingy. "I'm sorry if...last night, if that was too much, I just..."

"It was," Blaine said honestly, because he saw no use in lying. "It was, Kurt, because you're _engaged," _he snapped, and Kurt groaned and hugged him tighter.

"I know. I _know, _Blaine, but I'm...really confused lately," he admitted softly.

"I'm sorry," Blaine knew it was maybe pretentious to think that Kurt's confusion was about him, but then, he knew well enough that it probably was.

Kurt laughed, nosing at his neck, and his hand on Blaine's chest curled inward a bit, fingertips skimming over Blaine's worn sleep shirt. "It's just...do I want to marry somebody I'm afraid to bring home because my entire family and circle of friends seem to think he's horrible?" he asked softly, and Blaine shrugged, unsure what to say.

"It's not up to them, Kurt. It's up to you," he said honestly, and Kurt 'hmm-ed' thoughtfully.

"I suppose. But I'm just...I've been doing a lot of thinking, and you...will you listen to me?" he asked, and Blaine nodded without even thinking about it. "Okay. Can you turn around? It's a little strange talking to the back of your head," Kurt sounded wryly amused and so Blaine did, flipping over and wow, this was _much too close, _but Kurt cuddled closer to him again.

"Okay. Talk," Blaine prompted, Kurt furrowing his brow for a second before beginning.

"Carter isn't really my friend. And I thought...we have enough in common, being NYADA students and all, but lately I've come to realize that I could hardly call him a friend. I always promised myself that when I got together with somebody, when I...fell in _love _with somebody, it wouldn't be just because I found them attractive. It would be because I could tell them anything, because I could trust them with my life, and because they'd be more than just somebody who was good in bed," he tangled his legs with Blaine's and shrugged as Blaine urged him to continue.

"Right. Well. Finn was...obviously the wrong sexuality, but the other things applied. I trusted him not to hurt me, I told him things I'd never told anybody about my mother, and he did the same with me. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I wasn't in love with him because he was the first nice guy to me. I recognized that he wasn't perfect and that didn't change my feelings. They evolved, and now I love him as a brother and a friend, but if he'd been an utter jerk to me I never would have been attracted to him," he continued, surprisingly eloquent for being slightly hung-over, and Blaine nodded again.

"I get that. And I'm glad you have him."

"So am I," Kurt admitted with a soft smile. "But it was the same for us. Best friends who became something more, and thankfully this time you were as attracted to me as I was to you, even if you were utterly oblivious to begin with," he tapped Blaine's nose and Blaine snorted because yes, he had been.

"So you're saying it wasn't like that with Carter?"

"No. We were cast in the same musical one semester and so we talked a bit, found out that we were both gay and both loved musicals and theatre and some of the same television shows, but that was...thinking back? That was _it," _he sighed. "And thinking about it now? That's a little sad," he admitted, and he was just _so close _that Blaine could count the light freckles across the bridge of his nose, see every fleck of blue-grey-green in his eyes.

"Well," he took a breath, realizing that Kurt wanted him to say something. "It's...it's up to you. I mean...if you break it off with him, will you miss him? Would you...miss having him around, or could you make it clean and go your own way like nothing had happened?"

And Blaine saw the realization in Kurt's eyes and tried not to grin too widely, because everything was finally starting to come together.

"You know, I don't think I would. He's a nice guy, but I...apparently I've been an idiot," Kurt laughed grimly, tightening his hands around Blaine's waist and looking relieved. "Thank you. I...for listening, for being there, for being somebody that, try as I might, I can't let go of," he said the last bit teasingly and Blaine smirked. "Should we get up, or..."

"It's early," Blaine groped for his phone, seeing that it was in fact _really _early.

"It is," Kurt agreed. "And I know as soon as I stand up my stomach and head will decide to rebel, so more sleep it is," he snuggled closer still, humming under his breath. "You know, we never really got to do this when we dated. Just...wake up together."

"With your dad being overprotective and my parents wanting me to play straight? No," Blaine agreed.

Kurt didn't say anything else, but his fingers tightened a little in Blaine's shirt and he tucked his head under Blaine's chin, eyes fluttering shut and an utterly content smile on his face.

Blaine didn't know what this meant, if Kurt was breaking it off with Carter or not, but he had a feeling that things were about to get even _more _complicated.

**Notes:**

**1. **Yes, there was kissing! But obviously not everything's sorted out just yet…

**2. **I changed my tumblr URL again because I can't decide, but I saw SBL (which was _amazing) _and so my new URL is lettheideasfindyou (dot tumblr dot com) :)

**3. **Yes, horribly clichéd, but the lyrics are from 'Kiss on the Mouth' by Our Lady Peace.

**4. **If I don't update again before the 25th, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/whatever celebrations you partake in :)


	8. Chapter 7

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know

**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 7/?  
**Word Count:** 2087  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt.

**Chapter Seven**

_I was just a boy like every other_

_Love would be something that I'd just know_

_How're you gonna know the feeling 'til you've lost it?_

_I've been losing plenty since._

_I'm alone in this, I'm all as I've always been_

_Right behind what's happening_

Their last few days in Lima passed quickly, and Blaine was more than a little relieved to know that he lived really close to Kurt and Finn so visiting them in New York wouldn't even be a chore.

He'd managed to get tickets on the same flight with them heading back and the day they drove back to Columbus both Burt and Carole had hugged him and told him he was welcome anytime, and he knew he was going to take them up on that offer because, strange as it sounded, he did miss Ohio at least a little bit.

The ride back was uneventful, Kurt half-dozing on his shoulder because he hated plane rides, and Finn kept shooting Blaine knowing glances although Blaine wasn't going to get into it with him.

No, he and Kurt weren't anything. Two easily excused kisses meant nothing to an engaged man (although Blaine did note with some smugness that Kurt hadn't worn his ring the entire time they'd been in Lima).

They drove back to their street, Kurt hugging him tightly and telling him to come over whenever he wanted to, and then Blaine was back in his cold, dark apartment which felt even colder and darker after the warmth and companionship he always felt at the Hummel-Hudson house.

Still, he had school in the morning and needed to see about booking the studio for Finn, Sam and Puck, so he warmed up a can of soup and crawled into bed, hugging his pillow and hoping that one day it might be Kurt he was holding instead.

000

He should have known it was inevitable, but one day about a week later he was running over to Kurt's to ask if he wanted to go out for coffee, and instead of Kurt or Finn opening the door, Carter was standing on the other side.

"Oh," Blaine stopped, unsure what to say or if Carter remembered who he was, but the taller man gave him a rather weak smile and shrugged.

"Kurt's not here," he said, looking a little put-out, and Blaine took a step backward.

"Okay. I thought if he was, we could..."

"Look, Blaine," Carter was still frowning down at him and Blaine gulped, because he didn't want to get into a fight with Kurt's fiancé, but... "I'm sure you're a good guy, and you've been good for Kurt. But he spent two weeks with you at Christmas and I've barely gotten to see him since he got back, so I'm going out for dinner with the man I'm going to marry tonight, okay?" he bit his lip when he was finished, like he thought he was being too rude, but Blaine had to admit he had a point.

Kurt wasn't his. Kurt would never be his again, and he couldn't try to barge into every element of Kurt's life because he felt entitled somehow, like he was making up for lost time.

"I understand. Don't worry. I'll...call him another day," he smiled brightly and turned around, the smile sliding off of his face instantly when he went down the stairs and out onto the street.

He knew he shouldn't feel this way, because Kurt wasn't obligated to him at all, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause some sort of rift between Kurt and Carter.

Still, it hurt, and he ended up wrapping himself in a blanket as he sat on his couch watching television and absolutely not checking his phone to see if Kurt had decided to message him.

He never did.

000

They got into the studio another week down the road, and Blaine hadn't heard from Kurt at all despite a few messages he'd sent off asking if the man wanted to meet for something.

He didn't know if Kurt was mad at him, or if Carter had something to do with all of this, but he also knew he had to just...let go, so when Finn, Puck and Sam came in he was all smiles, keeping it professional and impersonal so they could lay down a couple of tracks.

They were good, but he already knew that, and even though Puck was easily distracted by both the studio itself and the fact that a lot of people walked by the windows (Sam 'accidentally' swung his bass into Puck at one point when he was too busy drooling over some college girls to sing his part), Blaine was pretty satisfied at the end of the day and told them that they'd only need a couple more sessions to have enough done for a demo record.

"Awesome," Finn held up his fist for a fist bump on the way out. "We're getting drinks. Come on," he didn't phrase it as a question so Blaine would have felt rude declining. As it was, he shut everything down and grabbed his coat, leading them across the campus to the local bar (not the one he worked at, he spent altogether enough time there) and when they were settled, Finn leaned across the table.

"Spill. What's up with you and Kurt?"

"Nothing," Blaine said defensively, hands wrapped around his glass as he regarded the other three. "I went over to your place about a week ago and Carter told me to leave because he and Kurt had barely spent any time together since he'd gotten back to New York, and I've texted him a few times since then and he's never replied," he shrugged, not sure what else he could say. "So I have no idea what's going on with him, but I'm making my efforts."

"Really?" Finn looked surprised. "I mean, not that he's said much, but I kinda thought that...you were ignoring each other again. He's been kinda mopey all week."

Blaine shook his head, looking down at the table because he didn't know exactly what to say to all of this. "Not that I know of. I know he's getting my messages, but unless..." a sudden thought struck him and he didn't really want to voice it, but the others were all looking at him curiously. "Has he...been spending more time with Carter lately?" he asked cautiously, and Finn nodded after a moment.

"Yeah. Pretty much every night, actually. D'you think he's, like, jealous? That you're spending so much time with Kurt?" he leaned forward and Blaine sighed, not wanting to say it but the thought had definitely crossed his mind.

"He's like way too possessive," Sam replied, frowning. "I mean, yeah, he should be able to spend time with Kurt, but not like run his life, y'know?"

There was silence after that, all of them lost in their own thoughts, and Blaine finished off his drink and started to get up, not sure what else to say.

"Hey!" Finn stopped him and he looked over curiously as the taller man stood up. "Come by tomorrow afternoon, okay? Carter has classes and Kurt told me he's working from home on some designs so...he won't have any excuse," he smiled and Blaine thought that it was underhanded, thought that he should tell Finn he was interfering again, but he couldn't bring himself to because this was truly what he wanted.

"Okay," he agreed, relaxing a little bit and they fell into easy conversation after that.

000

It didn't stop him from being nervous when he knocked on Kurt's door the next afternoon, because it Kurt really _was _mad at him for some reason he should probably keep his distance, but before he could debate too much it opened and Kurt stuck his head out, his features easing into a casual smile.

"Hey," he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Blaine and Blaine returned the hug, sighing against his shoulder. "Sorry I've been..."

"I know," Blaine cleared his throat. "Carter basically accused me of monopolizing your time and I figured he'd..." he stopped, because he wasn't sure how to say that without making it seem like he thought Carter was seriously overstepping his bounds, but Kurt laughed quietly.

"I'd figured, when he said you'd stopped by. But honestly, I've got to finish all the costumes for the show for next week and I'm so behind because of Christmas," Kurt moved back a little. "Come in, though. I'll make some coffee and you can watch me sew and swear at the sewing machine if you have nothing better to do," he sounded like he really _wished _Blaine had nothing better to do and since he really didn't this was more than okay with him.  
"Nothing pressing," Blaine admitted. "And coffee sounds great," he added, moving into the space and taking his coat off before he sat at the makeshift table Kurt had set up to do his work on. "Can I help?"

"Mm," Kurt was digging through the cupboards for some coffee beans, which he took out, and he readied the coffeemaker as he replied. "Sort those swatches by color? Just...general piles, I don't need shades or anything," he mumbled, continuing his work as Blaine started to parcel out the rather generous pile of fabric scraps.

He heard the grinder start and looked up as Kurt came over to sit down, waiting for the coffee to finish. "I _am _sorry, Blaine. I haven't been...ignoring you on purpose. But juggling you and Carter and work and things Finn wants me to do with the band is just...overwhelming," he admitted. "But I should have called."

"Don't worry about it," Blaine reached out without thinking and placed his hand on top of Kurt's, holding it there when the other man didn't seem to be bothered by it. "I get it, Kurt. I just worried that I'd done something wrong again."

"You...God, no," Kurt shook his head with a smile. "You've been...perfect, actually, and I promise from now on I'm going to get out at least once a week so we can do something. And you can stop in whenever. Carter may hold some grudge against you for things that are years in the past, but this is my home and if I say you're welcome, you are," he said firmly and Blaine had to smile.

"Thanks, but I think I'll avoid coming around if he's here. Just...it's uncomfortable," he laughed nervously as the coffeemaker beeped and Kurt got up to fill the cups, bringing them back and setting them on the table.

"I don't blame you," Kurt sighed, taking a sip of his coffee before he started to work, and Blaine realized that he could never be bored even if all he was doing was just staring at the other man.

000

It was nearing dinnertime when Blaine noticed Kurt was nodding off, head bobbing closer and closer to the table as his fingers kept working, and he gently set his hand on Kurt's wrist.

"Hey. I think it's time for a nap," he murmured, lifting Kurt's hand away from the sewing machine so it could rest in his lap.

"Can't. Deadlines, I need to..."

"Kurt, you're either going to stab yourself with the needle or sew something crooked because you're falling asleep. Let's watch some TV or something, okay?" he urged, and Kurt nodded before he stumbled over to the living room and flopped on the sofa.

Blaine cleaned up the coffee mugs and tried to put some order into the scraps of fabric again before he joined Kurt, the other man having clicked onto some home-buying show and watching it through half-lidded eyes.

"Sleep," Blaine said quietly, prepared to get a blanket for Kurt before he left, but Kurt's fingers brushed his arm and he shook his head, wordlessly patting the sofa and Blaine was powerless to resist.

He sat down cautiously, not even flinching when Kurt curled into him and rested his head on Blaine's chest.

"Thank you," he whispered, tightening his fingers in Blaine's shirt. "Sometimes I just need somebody to...to stop me when I can't stop myself. I..." he yawned again and Blaine laughed, holding him closer and trying to tell himself that this was only friendly.

"Of course. That's what I'm here for," he whispered, getting a 'hmm' in return before Kurt was asleep, and Blaine felt his own exhaustion from worrying over Kurt's silence in the last week sweep over him as his own head bobbed lower.

He barely had the capacity to finally grab that blanket from the back of the couch and tug it over them, shifting so that Kurt was lying on his chest, before he was sound asleep.

**Notes:**

**1. **I'm sorry about the wait for this chapter! My Glee muse went away for a bit and then I went to see _Les Miserables _(which, go see it!) and I used to be pretty into that fandom writing-wise so that distracted me, but I finally got time and inspiration to work on this :)

**2. **I also made a Klaine fanvid, if that's your sort of thing, and you can see that here: aoitsukikage dot livejournal dot com/189889 dot html

**3. **The song lyrics are from 'Always Be' by Jimmy Eat World

**4. **That's about it! Let me know what you think :) And I promise I'll try to work in some…smuttier stuff sometime soon ;)


	9. Chapter 8

**Title:** Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:** AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:** NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:** Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:** 8/?  
**Word Count:** 1902  
**Spoilers:** Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt.

**Chapter Eight**

_The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you__  
When I look into your eyes  
Man, I wish that I could stay and I can't lie_

_When you call my heart stops beating__  
When you're gone it won't stop bleeding  
But I can wait, I can wait forever_

_I know it feels like forever,_

_I guess it's just the price I've gotta pay_

Blaine woke up with a start when he heard the sound of somebody shuffling through the room, groaning and opening his eyes to see Finn grinning at him. "Hey, dude. Didn't mean to wake you, but I wanted to ask if you guys want in on pizza? It's late already so I figured...and Kurt'll eat some of that like super healthy shit from the place around the corner, so d'you wanna stay?" he asked softly, and Blaine nodded before he could stop himself.

"Should I..."

"Nah, stay. He's been working too hard and he never listens to me when I tell him that, so it's good for him to rest," Finn patted Kurt's shoulder under the blanket as the other man grumbled but didn't wake up, and Blaine let his head thump against the arm of the couch as he drifted again.

He should move. He should get up and apologize to Kurt for falling asleep with him. He should...

"Dude, you look about ready to bust out of your skin. It's cool, he probably loves having you there," Finn said as he picked up his phone, walking into the kitchen to call as Blaine decided that Finn was probably right. Still, was it really okay for him to be here, curled up with Kurt?

If Finn thought it was, and if he was okay with it, it probably was, he reasoned, and snuggled down a little more. He could hear Finn talking quietly and then moving around, so he forced his eyes to stay open because it would have been all too easy to drop off again.

"Twenty minutes," Finn whispered, coming over and smiling at him. "Seriously, dude, relax. I'll wake you when it gets here, or we can watch sports or something and you can stay there?" he suggested and Blaine nodded, because staying awake would probably be the best option right now. Finn grinned and flipped the channel over to sports highlights and Blaine started absently carding his fingers through Kurt's soft hair, hearing the other man sigh, and when he looked down again Kurt was blinking sleepily up at him.

"Hey," he whispered, and Kurt hummed and snuggled closer. "Good nap?"

"Uh-huh," Kurt replied softly. "You didn't have to stay..."

"Of course I did," Blaine replied, tipping his head as Kurt raised his own and oh, God, they were way too close. "Kurt..."

"I know," Kurt assured him, dropping back to rest on Blaine's chest. "But I...never mind. Thank you," he closed his eyes again.

"Dinner'll be like fifteen minutes, dude. I got pizza," Finn put in and instead of being shocked Finn was there, like Blaine would expect him to be, Kurt merely nodded and tucked his head under Blaine's chin.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked carefully, because he could tell that Kurt's mind was racing and he needed to know what was going on in there. "What is it? What's..."

"Do you...you both think I should call off this engagement," he said, and it was a statement.

"Kurt, I..." Blaine started but Kurt shook his head.

"I know you'll say that I should do what I want, but from the bottom of your heart, do you think I should marry Carter?" he looked up again, his stormy eyes boring into Blaine's. "I know what Finn will say, and what Sam and Puck and my father and everybody else says, but..."

"What's making you re-think it?" Finn asked, leaning forward so that he was pointed toward the couch. "Like, why all of a sudden?"

"Because of what happened this week. The fact that he was...trying to keep me from seeing you, even if he didn't make it obvious. He doesn't control me, and if I want you in my life, that's not for him to say 'no' to," Kurt said firmly, pushing himself up again. "And if he's going to get that jealous, we're going to have a problem," he added, looking guilty as he took his hand out from under the blanket and stared at his naked finger. "I don't even...I barely notice that I've stopped wearing it. Does that...make me a bad person?" he looked up, so wracked with obvious guilt that Blaine had to physically restrain himself from kissing him.

"Nah, dude," Finn answered for him. "I mean, look at it this way: Rach 'n I were engaged, right? And we broke it off, and we're still cool with each other but we just knew that it wasn't gonna work. It's way better to do it now than be unhappy and have to get a divorce or something, right?" he smiled, and Kurt eventually smiled back and nodded.

"You're right. I'm not sure how I'll break the news to him, but I've kind of realized over the last few weeks that he's...he's not the right one for me," he said, and it made Blaine's heart soar to hear it. "I just...I don't know how to do this. I've never had to break up with anybody," he laughed, a little bitterly, and Blaine winced because...yeah, he'd kind of made that one really easy for Kurt, hadn't he?

"Kurt, I..."

"Don't," Kurt said firmly. "Please. I've moved on from that, but I'm still...if I break up with him now, he'll think it's because of...well, because of _you," _Kurt admitted with a shrug, and Blaine had to accept that he had a point. Carter obviously didn't like him being around Kurt, and it would be logical to jump to that conclusion. "Which means that...Blaine," Kurt's voice was serious as he stared up at Blaine and Blaine nodded to show that he was taking this seriously as well. "We...you probably know that...I'd like to try again. You and me."

"Yeah?" Blaine let out his breath in a 'whoosh', almost laughing, but with the way Kurt had kissed him at Christmas and was willingly cuddling with him it wasn't hard to guess that he was. "I mean...yes. Of course. But..."

"You know there's a 'but'," Kurt bit his lip and sighed. "We couldn't...it wouldn't be fair to him if we suddenly started going out. He'd find out, somehow, and that would only add fuel to the idea that I called it off because of you," he looked genuinely conflicted and Blaine immediately felt bad.

Yes, he'd had a feeling since Christmas that Kurt was...well, coming back around to him, but he never wanted to make this difficult for the older man.

He'd done enough of that back when they were together the first time.

"Kurt, we don't have to," he said gently. "I mean, yes, if you wanted to...if you're willing to give me a chance again, I'll take it. Gladly. But if it's going to cause trouble, we can just...stay friends for a while," he finished, even though the thought of being with Kurt..._really _being with Kurt...was something that he didn't want to delay any longer than he had to.

"Thank you," Kurt reached to stroke gentle fingers through his hair and Blaine hugged him a little tighter as the phone rang and Finn bounded over to answer.

"Pizza's here, dudes, so you should like stop cuddling long enough to eat," he teased, running out the door to go pick it up, and Kurt pushed himself up and leaned into kiss Blaine's cheek before he sat up.

"Thank you. For just...letting me get to this place on my own," he whispered, and Blaine didn't need to ask what he meant.

"It wasn't easy. All of them were trying to do everything they could to set us up, but I knew that you wouldn't appreciate that," he admitted, and Kurt gave him a grin and finally got off.

"You're right. I wouldn't have. But I'm hungry, so let's eat some pizza," he announced, heading to the cupboard to set out plates and glasses, and Blaine felt his heart get a little bit lighter.

000

He wasn't sure what exactly to think later on that night, standing in his shower with the hot water pounding down on him and his hand firmly fisted around his hard cock.

He didn't do this much anymore, hadn't felt like it in a long, long time and sex was purely physical release for him, but for once this wasn't just clinical and without feeling, because for the first time in years he let himself imagine somebody else with him.

Kurt on his knees, eyes wide and blue in the harsh lights of the bathroom, hair sticking to his forehead in the water's spray as he skimmed his fingers along the underside of Blaine's erection, a wicked grin on his lips.

Kurt's mouth on him, warm and wet and slow, hands running up his thighs and gripping his ass to push him closer, eyes sliding closed as he sucked.

Kurt pressing him against the wall, cock sliding against his opening as he jerked Blaine off, pressing feverish kisses to his mouth as Blaine pulled him closer and tried to feel as much slick skin against his own as he could.

When he came it was with a moan of Kurt's name that he couldn't even bother to be ashamed about, and when he finally tumbled into bed he fell asleep more quickly than he could remember doing in a longer than he cared to think about.

He was going to get Kurt back, and this time he wasn't going to screw up and lose him.

He knew it.

000

"I did it."

Kurt's voice sounded rough and that by itself told Blaine what he'd done, and he was almost afraid to ask. "Well? How'd it go?"

"He didn't seem surprised," Kurt chuckled and Blaine adjusted the phone, trying to keep his excitement at bay. He and Kurt couldn't date yet, he knew that, but at least now Kurt didn't have a boyfriend or a fiancé or _anything, _and that made him happier than he would have thought possible. "And he seemed...resigned to it, almost. He did ask if it was because of you, and I told him no, that it just had been a long time coming and it was better for both of us to end it before we got in too deep."

Kurt sounded a little sad and Blaine couldn't blame him: no matter what he had felt for Carter in the end, at one point he had been sure enough to consider marrying him, so he had to have loved him.

"Well, I know we can't do more than be friends, but this was still a break-up and I could always go for a sundae..." he trailed off, hearing Kurt snort on the other end of the line.

"Any excuse for ice cream, Blaine Anderson," he teased, and Blaine felt his whole body get a little warmer because oh, God, the teasing and the flirting, they could _do that now, _and he was very happy about that.

"Any excuse for ice cream with _you," _he replied in kind and heard Kurt sigh.

"Sounds wonderful. Give me ten minutes and I'll be at your place, okay?" he asked, and Blaine smiled to himself.

"Yeah," he whispered, and Kurt said his goodbyes before hanging up as Blaine slowly put his phone down and tried to stop from grinning madly.

Things weren't fixed, not yet, but now they had the chance to try and _start _fixing them.

And he was going to make sure he did.

**Notes:**

**1. **Yes, things are looking up for the boys, but it won't be all sunshine and roses from here on out, either!

**2. **The lyrics are from "I Can Wait Forever" by Simple Plan.

**3. **I think that's it! Hope you enjoyed :)


	10. Chapter 9

**Title: **Hold On To What You Know  
**Author: **AoiTsukikage  
**Rating: **NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing: **Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter: **9/?  
**Word Count:** 2294  
**Spoilers: **Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary: **Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt

**Chapter Nine**

_Yes I know there ain't no finish line, I know this never ends__  
But I'm just learning how to fall, climb back up again  
I know there's nothing perfect, I know there's nothing new  
We are just learning how to live together, me and you_

_I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do_

_You know I live for the day when we can leave and just go running away._

As it turned out, 'going out for sundaes' became 'buying Ben & Jerry's from the corner store and eating on Blaine's couch', and Blaine didn't think he'd ever seen Kurt plough through an entire (albeit small) tub of ice cream before so that was a new experience all by itself.

"Do you want to talk?" he asked when they were about halfway done, and Kurt dug his spoon out and sucked on it thoughtfully before replacing it in the container and turning to face Blaine on the sofa.

"I suppose. I mean, after you...what you did, I was a wreck, but I feel...calm, almost. Maybe because it was a long time coming, maybe because I had the power this time, but I'm not...sad," he admitted, although he dug into his ice cream again and licked some off the spoon before setting it aside. "That's weird, isn't it? That I've called things off with the man I was prepared to marry and I don't feel sad about it?"

"Maybe all that means is that you made the right choice," Blaine shrugged. "It's not as if you'd started planning for the wedding or had a date or anything, so..."

"So maybe the reason I was so reluctant to say anything officially was because I wasn't sure in the first place if it was the right choice?" he mused, looking thoughtful for a few moments before he shrugged his shoulders and moved closer to Blaine on the couch. "That actually makes sense. You know me, I'm obsessed with weddings, but somehow planning my own was a thing I'd been putting off for as long as I could. I always told myself it was because I wanted Carter to finish school, but in the long run that really didn't matter," he looked like he was realizing...truly realizing...all of this for the first time and Blaine was actually kind of relieved.

He didn't want Kurt to regret ending it.

"Want to watch something?" Kurt asked after a few moments of silence, and Blaine was glad for it because he wasn't sure what else to say without making things awkward or looking like he was altogether too happy that Kurt was now a free man again.

"Sure. You can pick," Blaine waved vaguely at his collection of movies and Kurt scrambled over, slotting one into the player before sitting next to Blaine, who raised an eyebrow.

"_Les Misérables_? Really? I thought after a break-up you wanted something to take your mind off of what just happened," he teased and Kurt elbowed him in the ribs, promptly eating more of his ice cream.

"Seeing people worse off than me makes me feel better. And besides, Blaine, it's Aaron Tveit. _Aaron Tveit_. If anybody can make me feel better about a break-up..." he sighed dreamily and Blaine snickered, moving himself a little closer as the opening scene started to play.

000

By the time the movie ended it was late and Blaine yawned, stretching a little as Kurt snuffled beside him, his eyes decidedly red-rimmed.

"I don't care how many times I've watched that, the ending scene gets me every time," he murmured, setting his now empty container of ice cream aside and patting his stomach. "I'm going to need to work that off..."

"Don't. You're perfect," Blaine's voice caught on the last word, but he stopped himself from feeling embarrassed because yes, he could say that now.

"Thank you," Kurt gave him a tiny smile before standing up. "Well, I should be getting home, unless..." he looked back at Blaine, his eyes narrowing just the slightest, and Blaine gulped as he felt himself blush.

"I thought we weren't..."

"It's just sleeping, Blaine," Kurt walked to the kitchen and looked over his shoulder, undeniably coy. "Just like we did on New Year's. I may, however, need to borrow some clothes..."

"Clothes. Yes," Blaine high-tailed it to his bedroom because two more seconds of that look and he would have jumped Kurt right there, and as it was the thought of sleeping beside him now, just two single guys who were still really attracted to each other, seemed like an impossible task. He managed to find a shirt and a pair of sweats that were a little too big for him and came out to pass them to Kurt, who murmured his thanks in a low voice and headed into the washroom.

Blaine quickly got his own pajamas on and sat on the bed, hearing Kurt moving around in the washroom before he came out and Blaine squeezed by him to brush his teeth and splash some water on his face, carding his fingers through his hair to get all of the product out before he headed back into the bedroom.

Part of him had been hoping that Kurt would be asleep, but of course he wasn't, and the other man opened his arms in a way that made Blaine powerless to resist as he slid in and let Kurt wrap him up.

"Just friends?" he whispered as Kurt kissed his forehead.

"Mm. For now. I just want to be close to you," he admitted, and Blaine buried his face against Kurt's shoulder and tried not to cry, because God, he'd been needing this for years.

"Good night," he choked out, feeling Kurt exhale against his hair, and he closed his eyes and breathed in everything that was Kurt as he fell into an easy sleep.

000

He woke up before Kurt did and just stared for a few moments, brushing Kurt's bangs out of his eyes and seeing how relaxed he was. Kurt snuffled a little, sighing and pulling Blaine closer involuntarily, and Blaine let himself lie there for a few moments before he decided that maybe making Kurt breakfast would be a good idea and he should probably head to the kitchen to see what he could come up with.

As it turned out, he had a few eggs and a package of bacon in the fridge, and he quickly got everything ready and dumped the fried eggs and crisp bacon onto a large plate when he was finished, grabbing the whole carton of orange juice because who had time to be proper right now?

"Hmm, Blaine?" Kurt mumbled when he walked back into the bedroom, sitting up and sniffing the air. "Is that..."

"Breakfast in bed?" Blaine asked, realizing that it might be a little more than friendly, but Kurt reached out for the plate and Blaine handed it over, passing him a fork before he crawled back into bed and Kurt set the plate so they could both reach it. "It's all I had..."

"Blaine, stop," Kurt laughed, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder for the briefest of moments before he seemed to realize that maybe he shouldn't. "It's lovely. I promise."

"Good," Blaine shook the orange juice and Kurt snorted, muttering something about, 'such a boy,' before he took a swig and passed it back so Blaine could drink from it as well. They ate in silence after that, the plate soon clean and Blaine set it aside and held his arm out, letting Kurt snuggle against him (which, he noted with some pride, the other man did all too readily this time around).

"So, we kind of suck at this whole 'staying platonic' thing," Kurt mentioned, his body relaxed as he trailed a finger down Blaine's chest.

"Yeah. Kind of," Blaine laughed, trying to cover up how nervous he was being in this situation with Kurt because Kurt was almost impossible for him to read right then. "What does that..."

"I don't know," Kurt admitted, furrowing his brow. "But Carter and I never...it was never this easy with him, not like it is with you, and there's something...I never could control myself well around you," he blushed a little and Blaine nudged his temple, sighing softly. "I feel horrible breaking up with him only to jump into bed with you...well, in the sexual sense, I guess I'm already in bed with you..."

Blaine laughed at that, letting the feeling seep through his body because he was happy and Kurt was here, no matter if it was just as a friend for right now. Kurt was in his bed, and he couldn't think of a better way to start a day than this. "Well, you know that I'm yours, whenever you want to try," he finally whispered, and Kurt looked up at him, blinking slowly. "What?"

"Kiss me?" Kurt asked, barely loud enough to hear, and Blaine knew his mouth was hanging open but Kurt was nothing if not full of surprises today. "Blaine just...no mistletoe, no 'midnight on New Year's Eve', no excuses. Just kiss me," he leaned in closer.

Blaine couldn't think of a reason why he shouldn't, especially because it was about the thing he wanted to do the most right now, so he did, pressing his lips lightly to Kurt's and exhaling shakily as his hand came up to cup the other man's cheek.

Kurt made a tiny sub-vocal noise and moved against him, tongue darting out to lick at Blaine's lips and Blaine opened his mouth instinctively, tasting everything that was Kurt, and even though it had been _years _since they'd done this somehow they fell into it easily, mouths moving perfectly in time.

Kurt sucked on Blaine's bottom lip for a moment before pulling away, his eyes glazed and his lips red, and Blaine knew instantly that neither of them were going to regret this.

"Blaine..." Kurt breathed, his fingers curling into Blaine's shirt, and Blaine hoisted him up a little bit and kissed him again, harder, only to have Kurt clutch at him and groan into his mouth, the sound pure sex and completely wanton and Blaine knew that they had to call this off or they'd _really _be going too far.

"Kurt, we can't, not..."

"I know," Kurt pressed a much more chaste kiss to his lips before he slid down a little, hand resting easily above Blaine's heart. "But...God, you just make me want to..."

"Yeah?" Blaine asked quietly, knowing the answer, and Kurt nodded shortly as if he were ashamed of it. "Yeah. Yes. Stopping," Blaine breathed out slowly, trying to calm his body down and just thinking about how nice it was to lie here like this with Kurt after so many years. "So...do you have any plans for today?" he decided that was a safe enough topic, but from the frustrated sigh Kurt let out maybe it wasn't.

"Carter's coming over later to pick up some of his things...later this afternoon, so I have to be home for that, but otherwise I'm free. Have any plans?" he looked hopeful that maybe Blaine did, and the younger man thought about it for a few minutes.

"We could grab take-out and watch some movies again? I'd love to go out with you, Kurt, but I just...don't want anybody to see us and assume..."

"That I dumped Carter because I was seeing somebody else?" Kurt laughed. "No, you're right, that wouldn't be good. But I'm always in for movies and dinner. I'll even let you pick," he lightly touched the tip of his finger to Blaine's nose, a playful, easy gesture that had Blaine's whole body feeling warm and content, and Blaine couldn't resist kissing him again because, well, he could _do that now. _

And it might take him a long time to be able to do it and not be awed by that simple fact.

000

Kurt left sometime around mid-afternoon, after a few more kisses and lot more cuddling, and Blaine was practically floating on air as he stood in line at the little Thai place close to his apartment and ordered food for the both of them.

He didn't realize the person standing in line behind him was staring at him, or that he followed him over to the end of the counter where Blaine was waiting for the food to be delivered, but when he heard somebody clearing his throat he turned and nearly took a step back in shock.

"Carter. Hi! What are you...doing here?" he sounded lame, he knew, but Carter lived on-campus and where they were now was nowhere close to NYADA. "I know the food from here's good, but..."

"We need to talk," the young man was scowling, his face set in a frown, and he shoved a piece of paper at Blaine with a hastily scrawled phone number on it. "Give me a call and we can meet."

"I really don't think there's anything to talk about," Blaine tried to keep his voice steady as he picked up the bag with the food in it and headed for the door, but Carter stepped in front of him and looked down at him with more than a little bit of annoyance on his face.

"And I really do. I don't know if you realize, Blaine, but Kurt and I were supposed to be married, and suddenly some cheating ex-boyfriend that broke his heart waltzes into his life after almost five years and he's breaking up with me without any good reason why except 'maybe it wasn't supposed to work'?" his voice was getting louder and Blaine looked around cautiously, not wanting to cause a stir in the restaurant.

"Okay. Okay, I'll call you, just...not here," Blaine tried to get around the man again and this time Carter let him, but as he strolled back to his place he couldn't help but be a little nervous.

He had to tell Kurt, and they had to plan exactly what Blaine would say to Carter, because otherwise this could get really, really nasty.

Kurt was worth it, though.

Whatever happened, he was worth it.

**Notes:**

**1.** Yes, you all knew Carter wasn't going to go away that easily, right? But…yay kissing and cuddling?

**2. **I had a total mind-screw writing part of this chapter because…well, first of all, if you've never seen Aaron Tveit or heard him sing, go google/youtube him right now because he is _phenomenal. _But he was originally supposed to play Finn, and from what I hear what happened was that Ryan Murphy thought he was 'too pretty and Abercrombie' but eventually they asked him because they couldn't find anybody 'right' for the role, but by that point he'd gotten a Broadway gig and couldn't commit. So if he'd have been Finn, Kurt would have _literally _had a crush on a guy played by Aaron Tveit.

**3. **The song used is 'Learning How to Smile' by Everclear.


	11. Chapter 10

**Title:**Hold On To What You Know  
**Author:**AoiTsukikage  
**Rating:**NC-17 eventually  
**Characters/Pairing:**Eventual Blaine/Kurt, Kurt/OMC to begin with, others mentioned  
**Chapter:**10/?  
**Word Count:** 1861  
**Spoilers:**Up to and including 4x07  
**Summary:**Blaine and Kurt never reconciled after their break-up, and Blaine pulled away from everybody he knew and decided to go it alone. Now, four years later, with his life in shambles, he's got a chance to get back everything he thought he'd lost: his friends, his happiness...and Kurt.

**Chapter Ten**

_Now I'm twisted up when I'm twisted with you,_

_Brush so lightly._

_And time trickles down and I'm breathing for two,_

_Squeeze so tightly._

"You don't have to," was the first thing Kurt said to him when he admitted to running into Carter at the take-out place. "You do _not_ have to, Blaine, because you don't owe him anything, and honestly? I don't owe him anything, either. I broke up with him. Life goes on. He has to deal with it," Kurt sounded stern but there was a little bit of worry in his eyes, and Blaine wasn't sure what that meant.

"I know, but I feel like I should, if it's going to make this whole thing go away," Blaine shrugged, eating a piece of chicken from his curry and trying to stay unconcerned. He wasn't exactly scared of Carter, because it wasn't as if the other man had any say in what Kurt did with his life, but it was a little disconcerting how...intent he was on talking to Blaine.

"Well, we can think about it later," Kurt promised, reaching to pat Blaine's arm as they continued to eat, and he snuggled back further against the younger man as Blaine sighed and tried to forget about Carter because he didn't matter. This...right here...was what he'd been craving for way too long, and he wasn't even letting himself enjoy it which wasn't right at all.

They ate in silence for the most part, the television a low hum in the background, and when Kurt sighed and set his empty take-out box aside Blaine scrambled to finish his own before putting it down, trying not to be surprised when Kurt turned to straddle his legs and wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck.

"Um..." Blaine started, his body already reacting to the proximity, and Kurt laughed throatily and ducked his head to rest it on Blaine's shoulder, the position a little awkward but Kurt didn't seem to mind so Blaine just gripped his sides and held him close. "What are you..."

"I was thinking..." Kurt started before shaking his head, brow furrowed as he searched for the words to say. "I mean, you and I...why are we waiting?" he finally asked, and Blaine's breath hitched as his entire body felt like it was on fire. That was possibly the _last _thing he'd expected when Kurt came over tonight, and while his brain was telling him to say no, to stop it, to not let it go there...

It had been almost five years. He _needed _this, maybe more than he'd needed anything in his life, and all that came out of his mouth was a feeble, "But if it's too soon..."

"It's not. It's too _long, _actually, and if I'd maybe gotten my head out of my ass and let some of my stupid pride go..."

"Hey, hey, no," Blaine protested, squeezing Kurt's hips. "Don't, Kurt. Everything back then? That was me. _I _cheated on you. You didn't have to forgive me then, and you don't have to now..."

"I know," Kurt placed a finger over his lips, light but with obvious intent, and Blaine snapped his mouth closed. "I know, Blaine, I do. But I've missed you so much, and...and I'm never going to get that time back with you..."

"So we make it now," Blaine realized slowly, a tiny smile spreading across his lips. Really, he'd be an utter fool if he said no to this, so he nodded and heard Kurt let out a relieved 'whuff' of breath before his lips were on Blaine's, hand cupping his jaw and tongue diving into his mouth like he was starving for it.

Blaine kissed back just as harshly, knowing that they weren't going to regret this and he could finally, _finally _have the relationship he'd always wanted with Kurt. His hands clenched in Kurt's sweater, tugging a little, and Kurt obligingly lifted his arms and let Blaine slide it off and over his head. The shorter man stopped for a moment, then, just drinking in the sight of Kurt. He'd filled out from their high school days, a bit leaner and with more muscle definition than he'd had as a teenager, but his skin was still milky-white and softer than anybody else's that Blaine had ever touched, and he ran his hands up Kurt's chest reverently as he stared at him.

"Hi," Kurt laughed, flinching at the no-doubt ticklish sensation Blaine's light touches were causing.

"Hi," Blaine replied, breathless, and he ducked his head to mouth at Kurt's collarbone, needing to taste his skin. "Mm, wanna taste you," he murmured, hearing Kurt chuckle again.

"I'd say you _are, _and I might be worried if I knew you weren't going to eat me," he teased, but Blaine looked up to _make _Kurt see what he'd meant, and the other man sucked in a sharp gasp of air. "Oh, you mean..._oh. _Yes. Please, but we...I need to see you, first..." he tugged at Blaine's shirt and Blaine nodded, letting Kurt get off of his lap before he stood up.

"Should we, um, move this to the bedroom? It'll probably be more comfortable than my old wreck of a couch," he kicked the piece of furniture and it groaned under his foot as Kurt snorted.

"Yes, something not falling apart would be useful," he retorted dryly, spinning on his heel before collecting his sweater and sauntering into the bedroom. Blaine had a momentary thought to clean up their mess from dinner before he decided to leave it, because there were obviously more important things to attend to.

000

He was almost shaking by the time they'd both stripped down to their underwear, Kurt's hands on his bare chest and back feeling like burning hot firebrands and he tried to remember the last time he'd been touched like this and came up blank (actually, he knew very well, and it was the last time he'd been with _Kurt, _but it hurt too much to think about that so he was letting it go). Kurt's fingers were soft and sure, bolder than they'd been when they were teenagers and he seemed to remember all of the places on Blaine's body that were extra ticklish or sent jolts of pleasure straight to his groin.

"Kurt, I..." he mumbled and Kurt shushed him verbally before kissing him, no hesitance left in his movements as Blaine clutched at him and ground their hips together. "I need to...this will..."

"Okay," Kurt seemed to know what his broken sentences really meant and eased himself away, propping up a pillow against the headboard before he leaned back against it and smiled, crooking one finger in an obvious 'come hither' gesture as Blaine scrambled to comply, mouth latching onto Kurt's neck once more.

"I thought you were giving me a blowjob?" Kurt asked, running his hands feather-light down Blaine's back, and Blaine nodded absently and tried to focus on what he really wanted to do as he nipped his way down Kurt's torso, tongue darting out to lave over a peaked nipple as Kurt moaned and grabbed his head to hold him in place. "_Blaine."_

"Now who's the impatient one?" Blaine asked with a smirk, paying Kurt's chest a little more attention before he slid down the bed enough that he was in the right spot for what he was about to do. "Can I..."

"_Yes," _Kurt hissed. "Or I'll do it myself, just..."

The younger man finally complied, hooking his fingers in the waistband of Kurt's already-tight underwear and drawing them down, throwing them somewhere off to the side as he leaned forward.

"You used to be really good at this," Kurt's voice was soft, almost contemplative, and Blaine darted his tongue out to swipe the tip of Kurt's erection, closing his eyes because God, it probably sounded pathetic, but he'd always loved doing this for Kurt and he had a feeling he was going to love it even more now. Kurt was just...beautiful _everywhere, _a pink flush of arousal starting to spread down his whole body and his eyes were dark with lust as he looked down at Blaine.

"I hope I'm better now," Blaine slid his mouth over the tip of Kurt's cock before he could let himself get too overwhelmed by the knowledge of what he was doing, and what he thought he'd never get the privilege to do again, and he sucked gently as Kurt gasped and threw his hand up to grip the headboard.

"Blaine, you...do you...shouldn't we use..."

"Are you clean?" Blaine asked, but he already knew the answer because of _course _Kurt was, and they'd done away with condoms pretty shortly into their relationship back in high school because the taste of latex had nothing on bare skin.

"Yes," Kurt reached his free hand down to grip in Blaine's hair, urging him on, and Blaine nuzzled against Kurt's thigh for a moment or two.

"Then we don't need them. I said I wanted to taste _you, _Kurt," he reminded the older man gently, and then Kurt was tugging him forward and he went eagerly, taking in as much of Kurt's ample cock as he could and letting his body remember what Kurt had liked, what made him come completely apart. He moved to hook Kurt's legs over his shoulders, the other man bent almost in half at the action but _God, _Kurt was flexible, and Blaine knew that he loved it like this, loved those moments when he trusted somebody enough to just...give up all control.

Sliding his hands under Kurt's back, he lifted his hips a little more, almost holding him up as he sucked and swallowed and hummed, and Kurt was unashamedly loud, holding Blaine's head in place as his body started to tense.

"Blaine...oh _fuck,_ Blaine, I can't...I need..."

Blaine hummed again, needing Kurt to know that it was okay, and either the other man did or he just couldn't hold back anymore and he curled around Blaine even tighter as his orgasm hit him. Blaine let his eyes flutter shut as he swallowed, working Kurt gently through it, and he finally slid his mouth off and let Kurt's legs slip from his shoulders as he pulled back, working his jaw a little bit because yeah, it'd been a while since he'd done that.

"Wow," Kurt sounded a little wrecked, hair falling in his eyes and chest heaving as he slumped against the pillows. "I...yeah. You got better."

"Told you," Blaine moved up for a kiss and smiled against Kurt's lips, letting the other man taste himself on Blaine's tongue. "That was good?"

"Amazing," Kurt assured him, hand sliding down Blaine's chest and into his boxers. "Can I return the favor?"

"You can do whatever you want," Blaine assured him, because anything Kurt wanted was more than fine by him, and Kurt leaned in for another searing kiss before flipping them over, straddling Blaine's hips and looking down at him with so much affection and trust that Blaine swore his heart skipped a beat.

"Whatever I want, hmm?" Kurt arched an eyebrow and smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

"Good," Blaine hauled him in for one more kiss, letting his body go limp and knowing he was going to enjoy whatever Kurt had in store for him.

**Notes:**

**1.** You were probably all wondering if I'd ever get to the smut, right? Well, I figured before there was any more drama, a smutty interlude might be nice :)

**2. **The lyrics are from 'Dance Inside' by The All-American Rejects.

**3. **Let me know if you enjoyed! I haven't written smut in quite a few weeks, so I hope it read okay, and there will of course be more in the next chapter.


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